The Tory Party

DFA - Rush Billboard

Seen on Wendover in Greensboro.

Please, please, please explain to me how being a disembodied abdomen is supposed to be empowering. “I used to be so nervous public speaking. But now I am a disembodied abdomen, and I can do anything!”

“Through my navel!”

Great Moments of August 2008, so far

• Night. Back seat of Joe’s convertible, top down, 65 mph on the Outer Beltline. Looking backwards at pursuing headlights with the rush of wind in my face, eating a bag of plums.
• Kernersville Food Lion parking lot. Singing “Freedom 90″ with Brandi, as loud as possible, windows down and everything. Tray of still-warm twice-baked potatoes on my lap.
• Smith Mountain Lake, around midnight. Staring at the stars, drunk on an entire bottle of Duplin wine, swearing compulsively at how gorgeous the sky is, and seeing four falling stars. FOUR.
• High Point, cousins’ reunion. Singing hymns after dinner and not getting through the first verse because of sudden intense crying. “May the cir-cle… berk… *choke*.”

Gards

In a moment of need, I applied a dime to the ladies’ room vending machine and received this:

Dear Lord, it’s the size of a car stereo

I should have known something hilarious would happen when the machine didn’t specify which KIND of thing it dispensed. Obviously these are from an era when you only had one option, but be grateful it didn’t come with a belt. Coworker Melissa wagered this box dates back to the year this tower was built — ‘74? Vestal Goodman would be proud.

I’ll spare you documentation of the object that came in it, but it was THE SAME SIZE.

Let’s take a closer look at the photo here.

So nice of my husband to send me these during my unclean time.

It’s okay, this time will pass. Soon society will accept you again.

There’s no date on the packaging, but those buttons are so 1986.

Dark Knight Interrogation Spoof

Courtesy of Random_Tangent, natch.

Hee hee hee. Gleeeee.

Upon Turning Thirty

Socrates looks a little like Oliver Reed.

My sister turned 33 this year, and expressed that she felt pressure to accomplish much, due to this is, you know, the age Jesus died. My sister is the Grand High Poobah of awesome, so you know any presh in excess of this is really gratuitous.

Anyhoo. Today I turn thirty, and I am full of knowledge. Sit at my knee, my children, and learn my wisely wise wisdom for the best quality life:

• Two drinks is enough drinks.
• Do what you love - or you will just need a do-over later. If you find a thing (or things) you would rather do than eat, that is the thing you should do. The money will come.
• As Pop Pop said, make sure your outgo is less than your income. You can be comfortable on $20K, and you can make $60K and still be broke at the end of each month. I know. I HAVE DONE EET.
• You can’t control people. People are not bound by your expectations, no matter how reasonable those expectations seem. It is best to accept (and love) people the way they are, as God loves us the way we are. (An expression is program is “resentment is when I get mad at you and hurt myself.”) Humans are social animals, and my observation is that people usually get along in the end. I used to have Olympic-elite grudging stamina, and even I generally forgot what I was mad about after a year or so. The resentments that really lingered were exactly the ones I most desperately needed to get rid of.

  Oh noes! I feel a Bible verse coming on:

  For if you love them which love you, what reward have you? do not even the publicans the same? And if you salute your brothers only, what do you more than others? do not even the publicans so?

  Matthew 5:43-48

  YEAH, SERMON ON THE MOUNT!

• Floss.
• Keep becoming the low man on the totem pole. It shows you’re doing something right.
• Be governed by your guts, not your fear. Your needs will be met — all of them. Your fears will interfere with your best quality life at every turn.
• Abstinence until marriage may not be for everyone, but it does save a lot of time.