The Tory Party

Casting Call — Manly Edish

Celebrity lookalikes are like Pringles… they come in a can…

Andy Serkis and Brendan Fraser

… or is it…

Gary Oldman and Sam Rockwell

…maybe more… there’s always more…

Dixie Cousins vs. Inara

So I was watching The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. and lo and behold there’s Kelly Rutherford as Dixie Cousins, doing what Kelly Rutherford does best, which is being haughty and looking like Morena Baccarin.

No, it isn’t easy being this genius. It takes practice.

Dad Hoke on President Obama’s Visit to Camp Lejeune

Dad bets that air freshener will be sprayed on the parade field at 11:30 AM before President Obama arrives.

Last time a President was at Lejeune was Our Beloved Ronald Reagan after the Beirut bombing in 1983.

Before that was Our Beloved JFK.

Dad knows this due to photographs of Presidential visits in the Base Headquarters building.

Ryan Reynolds vs. Chevy Chase

I am almost done talking about Ryan Reynolds.

I posit that, when Ryan Reynolds is acting like Ryan Reynolds (like, in Waiting, not The Amityville Horror) he acts like Chevy Chase acting like Chevy Chase:

• Flaring eyes
• Smiling with lower half of face only
• Smiling with LHoFO while saying something insulting
• Being real tall and lanky
• Occasionally pitching a good fit

I lack the technology or the attention span to give you a good YouTube montage of these aspects. Perhaps if you watch National Lampoon’s Vacation, and then National Lampoon’s Van Wilder, you will see what I am sayin’.

In the meantime, here’s the Wolverine trailer.

DEADPOOL! EEEEEEE!

Zombie Oscar Bait

Yesterday morning I dreamed a very detailed movie dream that starred Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart. It was Zombie Oscar Bait.

When their town is put under quarantine, two people on their way home have their flight redirected. On the plane, there’s an attitude of, “Oh, how terrible for them, but thank God THEY’RE under quarantine and WE’RE going somewhere safe.” Turns out the quarantine story was just a fiction to get their compliance — when the plane lands, the passengers learn they are being held in isolation while their plane is inspected for contamination.

To keep them quiet, the passengers get shackled in pairs. The key sequence of the dream is that Ryan Reynolds gets dragged underwater by SHACKLED UNDERWATER ZOMBIES, and then Amy Smart winches him out by wrapping their shackle chain around a hook (heinously crushing one hand in the process, but small price to save Ryan Reynolds). They bludgeon the Shackled Underwater Zombies.

Then she asks, “Did they bite you?” And he says, “I don’t know” — because when you are attacked by Shackled Underwater Zombies the details can be hazy.

And then they must check him for bite wounds, and to avoid this becoming a heinous fanfic I will leave it at that, but suffice it to say that it is very smoky and tasteful and in the end one of them dies and it is totally Oscar Bait.

I am a genius.