The Tory Party

Sex, Intimacy and Rasslin’

I have a completely unresearched theory! Will I tire of these? Never.

Idyllic — except for all the cannibalism

It would seem, like chimpanzees, humans enjoy physical contact with each other. It need not be sexual — I would suggest it generally NOT be if only for purposes of energy conservation. But as we seem to have mastered the body lice problem, humans have less reason to groom each other, and as our species has gotten better at the sex-for-pleasure thing it casts a greater specter over physical contact at large.

What interests me here is non-sexual physical contact between heterosexual members of the same sex. I am in no position to dissert on the even more dense minefield that homosexuals navigate — I hoist a rum and pineapple in all y’all’s honor.

I am not touchy-feely with my female friends. They are not touchy-feel with me. My only knowledge of non-sexual physical contact between women is that I have a hundred-pound friend that I occasionally pick up and throw around. Usually there is a beer involved. That is pretty fun.

That kind of rassling seems primarily to be the dominion of men. Usually there is a beer involved. More than a few times I’ve watched an alcohol-fueled bear fight and vaguely wanted in on it, but known that 1) I might get my knee broken and 2) a female interloper sexualizes the activity and ruins it for everyone.

Similarly, two women rassling around, breaking furniture, rightly or wrongly gets sexualized by the observers. But no observers, and it’s not funny. I think if it was an all-woman crowd, two women could start rasslin’, but that’s a rare situation and generally I am too busy laughing and then suddenly crying to fit in any rassling.

The Japanese can do it — why can’t we?

God help the people who don’t rassle. It seems like the men and women who don’t have that kind of outlet — who just don’t put themselves in the rassling-around-on-the-floor category — tend to be more vulnerable to drive-by relationships — the kind that strike fast and aren’t generally good for you, because the participants embark with only the hunger for physical contact and end up at a destination far beyond their original intent.

Real wrestling, or, as my dad calls it, “Your head in another guy’s armpit for twenty minutes.”

In my program, we hug a lot, and that took me a LOT of time to get used to. I am now a world-champion hugger, but such a thing needs the consent of both parties. We are HUGGING. This is not a token hug. This is a SERIOUS SERIOUS SQUEEZIN’. I used to hug male members, but now I shake their hands. Why? Various reasons. Mostly, it is because I GET TO MAKE MY OWN BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES WOOOOT!

I am pro-hugging, but if I hug I’m gonna hug FOR REAL. Which means I am loath to initiate a hug with someone who might not be into the full hug package. Are you sure you wanna hug? Cos I will MAKE YOUR BACK POP.

I am putting way too much thought into this.

Is there any other non-sexual physical outlet for regular people? I can’t think of one. Review. Discuss.