The Tory Party

Random Thoughts - Spring Fever Edition

• For horror, I prefer practical effects to digital — even if they’re corny, BECAUSE they creep you out through the corn. Weird Science? Big Trouble in Little China? Goofy but nightmare fodder — and not just because of the aggressive 80s racism. The gooey animatronics CREEP YO’ ASS OUT. That’s part of why series like “Amazing Stories,” “Tales from the Crypt” and “Friday the 13th: The Series” gave me the willies much more than any of this new digitally-driven horror does. Uncanny valley — digital just isn’t there yet.

  Two azzamples:

  What’s scarier? The heart-grab and melting face from Raiders? Or the scary alien that SQUINTS at Cate Blanchett in Crystal Skull? OH BUT IT’S A SCARY SQUINT. I liked Crystal Skull, but the squinting alien was hella anticlimactic. It’s like an article I was reading about Anaconda — if you try to make something scary look “mean,” you just make it funny.

  What’s scarier in The Ring? Digital horsey? Or Joan of Arcadia in the closet? Hell, Naomi Watts hacking up the suction cup was way scarier than anything digital.

  The case. I close it.

• Voice actors. You got Bill Fagerbakke (Dauber from “Coach” and M-O-O-N spells Tom Cullen from “The Stand” — perhaps making the most shekels as SpongeBob’s Patrick the Starfish) and Patrick Warburton (Brock, Kronk, Puddy, this could take an hour) pretty much cornering the big dumb guy market. When is Thomas Haden Church gonna get a piece of this pie? Over the Hedge, “Teen Titans” and Charlotte’s Web? Come on, Mr. Church, get in there! And not just because of the delightful topless brawl that might ensue!

• You know what I like? Bebe carrots.

And there ya go