The Tory Party

How to Date

The many diverse opinions I put forth on this site, as in life, would make it seem I believe myself a great steaming pile of wisdom, and the world would be a better place if everyone obeyed my decrees and stopped hiring Brett Ratner as a director.

I’ve already spouted off on being appealing to chicks and socializing.

Unfortunately, I am in truth as big a blustering dork as I can be.

This has been most recently revealed to me in a series of conversations — with a more active dater than I am — illustrating that I am, despite knowing intellectually the rules of dating, hilariously unable to follow them.

I can socialize pretty good. I can mack and neg and flirt with the best of them. But when it comes to closing the deal — and by that I mean going from friends to romance — got nothin`.

According to the Active Dater Debates, there are three ways to make a play for romance:

• True Confession This is when you just announce that you like, LIKE like somebody. This is the most ridiculous sixth grade way to go about it possible, and creates a ridiculous situation — is sucks all the excitement and interest out of the equation, and saddles the recipient of this announcement with an impossible amount of responsibility. The True Confession is the equivalent of asking someone to move a couch by themselves. A really needy couch.

  Yet this, in all memory, is how I have gone about closing the deal. Re. Tarded. And the depressed success rate put me off not at all. But I hereby forthwith and posthaste renounce this strategy, as it doesn’t work.

• Hang Out `Til You Make Out This is the preferred strategy of my college peers, and involves spending time together until lateness and proximity open a window of opportunity for making out. From then on, you are dating.

  The problem is that the window can be pried open by booze, loneliness, libido, or otherwise impaired judgment. Then the assumption of dating must be negotiated out of, sooner better than later, and rejection and embarrassment abounds.

  Then again, the only time I used this method resulted in a satisfying long-term relationship, so… I dunno. Still, not my style.

• Ask on a Date Ground-breaking! Mind-bending! How is this even done?

  You like someone. You ask them if they wanna go do something. Dinner is a common option, as is a movie.

  There are some refinements to this strategy that I think both asker and askee can benefit from, although they remain contested in the Active Dater Debates. I recommend:

  • When asking, offer a specific date. This offers the askee a graceful out, which eliminates much pain and embarrassment for both of you. If she says, “Oh, I`m sorry, I can’t make it,” and that’s the end of it, then she’s not interested. But if she *is* interested, she can offer a new date.
  • Ask them to something they would enjoy. This has a dual purpose — that extra nudge of persuasion is he’s not that interested, and prevention of his unnecessary suffering through something he hates. Thus he might think you’re just OK, but he’s been jazzed about “Land of the Dead” for weeks. Or he might think you’re hot on rice, but no one wants to see “Failure to Launch.”
  • Ask in passing, and in private. Yay or nay, you want to be able to walk away after the answer. Let it breeeeathe.

    Asking in front of other people raises the awkwardness level. Plus, there was this one time I got asked out — I think — by this sextastic dude, but in front of another fella who had done a True Confession on me, and I was so startled and confused by the whole thing all I could produce was a Noncommittal Affirmative. Noncommittal Affirmative nooooo!

  This would be my ideal ask-out conversation:

  Int. Empty hallway - afternoon

  Asker Oh, hi, Askee. What’s up?
  Askee Hi, Asker. Not much.
  Asker Hey — do you wanna see “From Dusk `Til Shaun” this Friday?

  Option #1
  Askee Sure, that sounds cool.
  Asker Awesome. I`ll figure out when it’s playing and give you a call.

  Option #2
  Askee Oh, no, I can’t do Friday, I`m busy.
  *Suspenseful pause as Asker absorbs this*
  Asker That’s cool. All right, see you around.
  Askee See ya.

  Option #3
  Askee Oh, no, I can’t do Friday. But… [how about Saturday] [how about next week] [I`m going to the bar Saturday, see you there?]
  Asker Awesome. See you there!

  Exit promptly.

Ta da!

In other news, I just surfed over to “Bridget Jones` Diary” on Bravo and damn if it isn’t “Pride and Prejudice” with longer sleeves. It’s even got Colin Firth still playing Mr. Darcy. It must be an homage/reimagination thing, but if it is, I`m depressed that Bridget Jones is the 200-year successor to Lizzie Bennet.

Summer Mix Tapes

Here are the two mixes I will forever associate with ALDI and eating too many sugar free gummi worms and winning City Beverage’s trivia night, though not necessarily in that order.

Embarrassing But Addictive June 2006 Mix

• Crazy In Love - Beyonce
• Nth Degree - Morningwood
• Lloyd, I`m Ready to be Heartbroken - Camera Obscura
• Everytime We Touch - Cascada
• Life of Riley - Lightning Seeds
• Sand in my Shoes - Dido
• That Old Pair of Jeans - Fatboy Slim
• Another Place to Fall - KT Tunstall
• Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
• In the Rough - Anna Nalick
• Joga - Bjork
• What’s Left of Me - Nick Lachey
• Hotel Song - Regina Spektor

Marginally Less Embarrassing July Mix

• Army of Me - Bjork
• Come Clean - Hilary Duff
• All I Want - Lightning Seeds
• Don’t Think of Me - Dido
• Whole Amoeba - Wheatus
• Cupcake - Nellie McKay
• Samson - Regina Spektor
• It’s Beginning to Get to Me - Snow Patrol
• Sad - Pearl Jam
• Get Out of this House - Shawn Colvin
• Ladder - Joan Osborne
• Martha’s Foolish Ginger - Tori Amos
• Hold On, Hold On - Neko Case
• Don’t Let it Bring You Down - Annie Lennox
• And So Is Love - Kate Bush
• Losin You - Amy Millan

Anybody else got a summer song or mix to contribute?