The Tory Party

Red Eye

Rachel McAdams, Cillian Murphy and Wes Craven — this movie should totally have hung the ten. It’s got an 80+% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is sort of like how Revenge of the Sith got an 80+% rating GAH WOTEVA! except that movie was bad, so bad, and this one just has a weird let-down Scream redux (refrux?) ending that sort of poos all over what has gone before. How Scream redux? How about the dude closest to the heroine shooting the bad guy in the foyer (ouch, right in the foyer!), and then the dude and the heroine standing over his face-up dead body uttering some end-of-movie OMG-he-is-so-dead profundities? Then David Arquette gimps up, though you thought he was dead? OK, no.

Ri-i-ight before Cillian’s appendix burst.
Rachel didn’t realize — he sorta always made that face

I’ve heard this movie compared to Panic Room, as in, “this is the movie that `Panic Room` wanted to be.” I dunno — seemed like Panic Room wanted to be a movie that made me squinch up in my seat and make faces at the screen and go “UNNGH” when Jodie won’t blink at the guy WHY WON`T SHE BLINK AT THE GUY? I didn’t get that sort of tension with Red Eye — probably because, um, the trailer totally shows Rachel McAdams in a car chase situation, which would indicate at some point she gets off the plane.

So I`m going to heckle galore, which is unfair, because I liked this movie overall and I would see it again. Though possibly as a drinking game. (Woop! There goes a chair — everybody drinks!)

God, I hope she’s not getting her hands on a chair somewhere…

• What the trailer doesn’t indicate is what Cillian Murphy wants from her, and that’s probably smart, because I would be less likely to get fired up about a thriller if I found out the heroine’s life wasn’t on the line, and it was some Secretary of Silver Wolfy Hairlines and his family that you don’t know anything about, but they seem nice and they have kids so OK.
• The whole hook for Cillian tormenting Rachel is sort of neutered. He can’t kill her — he needs her cooperation. He’s not after her — just some vague authority she has (he can get a seat beside her on the plane, and he knows what room in her hotel is available, but he can’t wrangle a room change?) He has terrible peripheral vision, as anything put on the floor in front of him earns a flying pratfall. Also, against him an object’s stopping power is indirectly proportional to its heft: solid oak chair — glancing blow; but OH NO NOT WICKER!

  OK, and there’s this — I`m not real clear on the setup, but apparently he calls to get the hitman at her dad’s house to kill, but doesn’t have to call it off in a timely way? Isn’t that how these things are done — there’s a plan in place, and the bad guy makes the call when he’s happy?

  Furthermore, Rachel looks vaguely like she could take him out. Sure, she tahnay, but she looks like she’s spent some gym time — Cillian, in a real-world, non-apocalyptic context, looks one slurp of Gatorade away from falling to dust.

  
  Um, can we get the gentleman behind me some Gatorade?

• While I`m peeing on the plot, is a shoulder-launched missile really the way to take out a human target? I mean, what happened to blowing up a car? Shooting him in the lobby? Then there’s good ol` poison — howzabout a ninja-style drop of poison down a thread into the his mouth as he sleeps? Sleeper agent in his Starbucks? Well, there’s a reason none of these methods of mayhem could take out the Secretary — he’s being guarded by COLBY.

  He has a last name, but c`mon — you know who I`m talking about. COLBY.

  
  Dude, I know you told me not to call, but I totally just saw COLBY!

  I drove my heckling partner approximately 20% more insane by loudly whispering “Colby!” whenever Colby showed up. I think I missed whole plot points and lines of dialogue when he was on screen — not because I think he’s teh hottness, but because when he walked, he WALKED, and when he shouted “This way!” he SHOUTED. Not like I`d imagine a real Secret Service agent would be — especially because I think they would bodily move you wherever they wanted you and there`d be no “This way!” about it — but totally all-caps INTENSE.

  You know how he is in that Schick Quattro commercial? Intense and slick, which is perfect for a pitchman? Well, that’s sort of how he is in this movie. Also, he has Victor Von Doom (TM) bootblack in his hair. None of this matters. It’s COLBY!

  Hmm… I`m sort of wondering what a different and ostensibly better movie this would have been if Banana-Republic-model-type Colby were the bad guy and Calvin-Klein-model-type Cillian were the Secret Service agent.

  
  Don’t forget me! I`m also farcically intense!

• Rachel McAdams is very good. This is to be expected. She has exceptionally good screen presence and moist eyes. I will officially see whatever Rachel McAdams does. Especially if she does a remake of Clue and plays Miss Scarlett. Food for thought.

  
  Yeah — now they say Jennifer Garner looks like *me*

• Cillian Murphy is good, but, as I noted upon seeing the trailer, he looks creepy as hell, and I wouldn’t strike up a conversation with this dude (maybe he needs his softening Batman Begins suit and glasses). What this means is that the movie is devoid of sexiness — even in close quarters, Cillian-face to Rachel-face, it is sexy free. One, this helps make the flight attendant’s mile-high assumption ring super creepy wrong, and two, it’s a nice change of pace from sex-all-confangled-with-violence Special Raping Unit TV thrillers. Everything’s Zen.

  
  In case you want some sexy with your McAdams

• In the conversation as soon as they sit on the plane, Cillian Murphy’s character graduates e`er so slowly from slightly creepy to full creepy, and this is very well done. What isn’t well done is how the score pees all over this transition:

  Cillian Murphy: So we’re sitting together.
  Score: Tunnnnnn!
  Cillian Murphy: And I`m actually a bad man.
  Score: Tunnnnnn!
  Cillian Murphy: And I`m taking your peanuts.
  Score: TUNNNNN!

• You totally can’t queue for the bathroom on a plane no more. This bothered me way more than it should have.
• Toward the end, in order to disguise herself, Rachel McAdams doffs a skimpy white top to reveal… a skimpier white top. “That can’t be her — we’re looking petite brunette in a black skirt and white top WITH 3/4 SLEEVES!”
• Know that image in the ads where a woman’s hand flings up against the plane window, and then a man’s hand drags it down? Nice image — not in the movie. Which makes sense when you think, where’s she trying to get to? And did she buy a stairway to it?

Dogs make green eye!

A-a-a-and spendition.

Getting Things Started

Voila! A page for the world’s funniest Sara. Begin funny!

Moving

(This isn’t really interesting or funny, so be warned.)

I hate moving. I`m sure this is a real heart-stopper, considering how many people are like, “Pack up all my earthly crap, beg/grovel/bribe the people who will soon be formerly known as friends to sweat four or five gallons while getting their knuckles crushed, shins banged and discs herniated, drive an hour-and-a-half to do it all over again RAWK ON AWESOME!!!1one!” But now it’s happening to ME, so that makes it relevant and worth discussing.

Moving makes me want to BARF!

For a long time, I handled this issue by not owning anything I couldn’t pick up and move myself. The haughty corollary to this is that I didn’t help anybody else’s ass move, either — unless I was dating them, and note-to-self odds are good whoever you’re dating ain’t gonna be around no more the next time you move. Oh well. I don’t need no stinking help!

If I can’t get this goddamn lampshade to fit, everyone dies.

Then I did something dumb — I acquired big crap, like beds and couches, while adhering to my policy of not helping anybody else’s ass move. Sure, I might show up at the last minute for points (”Wow, it only took you three hours to move all your stuff? Dang.”), but somehow this doesn’t fool anybody.

This time last year, I got my heckling partner to help me move some crap (”OMG it`ll be the funnest and not hard at all! LET`S DEW IT!”), which meant in her case helping me:

• Pick up the truck
• Load the truck
• Lead me an hour-and-a-half in the Jeep
• Unload the truck
• Return the truck
• Drive an hour-and-a-half in the Jeep, whose A/C tends to conk out after 45 minutes, did I mention?

SEPPUKU! Yet not once during this adventure did she plot my death, or at least indicate doing so. This is because she is a better person than me. I accept this.

But moving seems a mighty cruelty to foist upon someone you, you know, like and don’t wish to come to harm. So for this move — the big one — I actually went nuts and compared options — like having professional-type people load and drive the truck and stuff. I should have gotten a big red flag when I first noticed that none of the traditional comparison-shop sites will actually give you a side-by-side comparison of the various moving options? (Okay, I didn’t dig that deep, so if you do one Google and find www.compare-moving-options-no-kidding-not-a-portal.com, feel free to provide it and embarrass me.) So after some research and a lot of free quote forms, I learned the following:

(I`m moving a two-bedroom house worth of crap — need about a 15` truck, 5000 - 6000 lbs [?! -seems like a lot] — and I`m going only like 81 miles.)

Approximately how much crap I have
(Incidentally, I went to high school with a McKesson, but that’s another story.)

• Two Men and a Truck, while seeming very cool, gave me a quote of $1200 - $1400. This was my first sticker shock, because you are high as a kite high as I might I can’t get that high if you think I`m dropping over a thousand dollars on this mess.
• PODs (or UPack, or any other deal where they bring a crate to your house) only handles out -of-state moves or moves over 100 miles. I lied to moveAmerica’s form and told them I was moving to Charlotte, just to see if this method was worth pursuing at all, and it gave me an estimate of $955. Bwa ha ha ha. Hell, no. I would sooner spend $955 on Jack Daniels and drunken master all my crap.
• Rent a Penske truck? I like their website enough — but a 14-footer starts at $469. I would think this was a normal truck rental price, but I rented a Budget truck last time and had a perfectly satisfactory experience and I know damn well it wasn’t $469. The online forms told me futz with my move dates (try the middle of the month or the middle of the week, when demand is lower) but it didn’t make a damn bit of difference.
• Budget truck, 16` — $120 plus a refundable $100 deposit. Ahh. That’s more like it.
• (FWIW, U-Haul is somewhere between — like $200. Heh heh — how `bout U haul my ass to Budget so I can save some money?)

So I’ve got the truck. It has a ramp, and I`m considering just getting a furniture dolly under the ass end of my damn sleeper couch and moving this crap myself. But then I think, I did budget a certain amount — why don’t I rope someone into helping me and give that amount to them? And that’s probably what I`ll do. Because the third time your fingers get crushed into a doorway, you need a tidge more incentive than warm feelings for your fellow man.

“Honey, I told you to put bubble wrap…”
“Just say it — just say one more word to me, you ivory bitch.”

Postage

Testy Testy Testy

It seems when I edit the post, it removes it from the front page. Disturbing…