The Tory Party

…AND WE`RE BA-A-ACK!

OMG I`m so excited I make outdated Jimmy Fallon references!

Lots of stuff is still broken. Don’t be scared. I`m working on it. For future reference, PHP good, ASP bad.

I had to change your usernames and passwords, since I kept them so secret they were even secret from myself. Log in like this:

Username: the email address you registered with
Password: the last name you registered with

Except Staggerlee and supremegoddess. I got yours normal so you can see your articles.

OK. Now I have to pee and get some food.

All Good Things Must End

Brinkster just pwned me again. Fool me twice, shame on me. I`m trying to dump the database into simple, SQL flat files (tech support’s advice: “write a script”) so I know I’ve got it before I close this account.

I`m gonna move to icdsoft.com like Dan Shapiro recommended a year ago. In the meantime, this site’s gonna be gone.

I have a *.bak file of the SQL Server, if anyone has Enterprise and can convert this to a nice, flat SQL file to import into MySql like I shoulda done a long time ago, please let me know. Right now I`m l33t haxoring the low-level SQL interface Brinkster provides, and that’s no fun.

I hate SQL Server. But I pretty much hate a lot right now.

Save my email. I`ll be letting y`all know when I`m moved, though I`m not sure how.

Hatefully,
Tory

The Devil`s Million Dollar Crashers

Saw a few movies this weekend. None of them were quite what I expected, but none of them really warrant a full heckle, so I`m gonna give `em a casual, part-time, Cary-kids-working-at-Moe’s-Burrito heckle.

WEKKA-TA-MOUUUE`S!

The Devil’s Rejects

Ohhh, Devil’s Rejects. I didn’t see House of 1000 Corpses or whatever, but this was getting pretty good reviews (”`Terminator` of horror movies” might have come up) so I went for it. Hrm. Not scary. If I wanted to see bad crap happening to people without at least getting a good scare, I`d go visit my family OMG so funny!!!1 It’s weird how the cheap thrill of a scare justifies the bad crap. Otherwise, it’s like, here are some nice people getting tortured, and you should enjoy that for its own sake. Ew.

Other beefs.

• Check out the Firefly family dental plan: Women? $6,000 in orthodontia and caps. Men? Mary Jane candy after every meal.
• Firefly family hair plan: see above.
• Baby, the hot daughter played by Sheri Moon Zombie, starts out as a knife-slinging badass, and then spends the last act as a stock 70’s run-and-screamer. Is this a statement that cowardice is the heart of violence? No.
• Why would you cast Matthew McGrory in your movie and not let him speak? That’s like casting Kristin Kreuk and not letting her do the sexy smile.

  
  Bow before my sexy smile

• You know what this movie needed? “Freebird.” In its entirety*. Accompanying blurry slow-motion extreme-close-ups in the vague real ending when the movie’s already ended twice. Oh, wait. Check.

*Okay, that’s an exaggeration. No one could play that much “Freebird.”

The Wedding Crashers

Ahh. There is something about going to a wedding that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy — especially when the production can drop a million a pop on them for set decoration, tailored costumes, hot bridesmaids and super-moussed, infallible ringlets like Alanis had in that video where she runs around town in a jumpsuit kissing people. No, wait — it’s not weddings conceptually that are so warm and fuzzy — it’s *being a guest* at one. Ah yes. Going to a big, ritualized party in your own clothes, with no worries about how much it cost or who among the caterer, baker, florist or DJ you necessarily have to deal with at the last minute is going to utterly pown you.

I will be too drunk to appreciate all this in five… four…

Of course, the weddings are beside the point in this movie — otherwise I would have nervous hives at how the bridesmaids and bride get to walk normally down the aisle in a procession rather than the step-together step-together walk of solo shame. Or that there’s a big stack of gifts at the reception OMG not cool!!!1one!

The point is Owen Wilson looking winningly hangdog and Vince Vaughn talking at 80 mph. When they’re together, they’ve got some great moments (Vaughn’s Jeremy eating breakfast apart; Jeremy confronting Wilson’s John about his downward spiral). But the pacing seems weird, like ten funny-ass, semi-improvised takes with individual rhythms were stitched together into a bumpy scene, which is probably the case. Like, Vaughn`ll rant for a long time, which is funny, and there`ll be a couple of winningly hangdog reaction shots from Wilson, which is funny, but then it’s time to move on so they abruptly resolve what they’re arguing about, and let’s shuffle in some distracting, unfunny inserts like Vaughn loading up his plate a-a-a-and CUT.

Yay, compulsive eating!

Then Vaughn says something that’s not words — like he goes “Graaa” or “Urf” — and that is some of my favorite stuff. People say stuff that’s not words all the time, but you can’t script that, doesn’t quite fly at the ol` table read. You just need an actor that can do it. I laughed a lot at that.

The sneaky thing about this movie is that even when the comedy’s not poppin`, the narrative keeps grooving along nicely. Whedonically, as soon as you get tired of a situation, it changes. Tapped the comedy of crashing weddings? Let’s cruise into the plot. Bored with Vaughn’s Stage 5 Clinger, Isla Fisher? Let’s change it up. Need a fresh perspective on Wilson’s plight? Here it is.

I will give you a dollar if you never say “Whedonically” again

Other notes:

• Rachel McAdams is the grand high master of smart-warm-funny. She is all kinds of sympathetic, and helps surmount the romantic comedy obstacle of “if she’s so great, what’s she doing with this mook she`ll inevitably dump for our hero?” with a single scanty moment standing in a bathroom doorway. Good on the writing, too, for slo-o-owly building up the mook’s mookitude, and planting some reasons why they’re together in the first place. And then there’s another moment where she’s picking out flowers with Christopher Walken, as her dad, and she’s got so much warm and vulnerable working it makes *Christopher Walken* warm and vulnerable. RAWK!
• It’s not the R comedy I thought it would be. There’s some strong language (OK) and some boobs (OMG so scary!), but only one situation that’s really R: the under-the-table hand service, which is funny, but OMG the bitter wacky irony would have been funnier if it weren’t interrupted with inserts of the actual hand service, thus no longer warranting an R! Discuss.
• There’s some smoothing of the archetypes that makes them more realistic — granny is a mean old snake, dad is equal parts protective and oblivious, creepy son speaks in his own defense, boozy mom disappears after her Mrs. Robinson, manservant (played by movie’s only black actor — surprise!) is neither totally sassy nor totally subserviant. But…

  
  It’s cool, I`m used to it

• …the mook boyfriend (Bradley Cooper) is still OMG so bad! His badness leads to my romantic comedy pet peeve: the stars have their lo-o-o-ong showdown in front of a hundred people, and everyone waits politely for them to get through it, and no one’s like, “hey, could we do this in private?” Plus it ends in fisticuffs. Satisfying but silly.
• Speaking of things not quite clicking: Gloria can either be crazy stalkerina, or have an advanced super-game that outgames Jeremy, but she can’t be both. Because the stalkerina version definitely isn’t reeling him in. I wanted to see more of a super-game Gloria. I dunno. I wouldn’t care, but it’s sort of important to the plot.
• I think I laughed out loud more at Fantastic Four. Why people be hating on Fantastic Four?

  
  Gives me a cute little vein in my forehead just thinking about it

Million Dollar Baby

NOT the movie I thought it would be. If you are looking for a feel-good to light-catharsis, beer on a Sunday night movie, THIS IS NOT IT. Rent Cinderella Man.

That is all.

*snif*… Mo Cuishle… BAWWWWL

Random Thoughts XI

• Should that new Bochco series “Over There” creep me out like it does? It strikes me as cheap and gross to make a show about a war going on RIGHT NOW. Like, “Hey, makeup, get back in here, this wound doesn’t look anything like what I saw on CNN last night.” I wouldn’t want to work on that set. It would make me feel weird.

  
  OMG I so-o-o have to write a TV show about this

  But why? I mean, there are shows about firefighters and police and paramedics and doctors — in situations like those going on RIGHT NOW — and it doesn’t irritate me that Linda Cardellini didn’t go to medical school and stuff. If there’s entertainment value in those shows, why shouldn’t there be in one about soldiers fighting a war?

  And there are lots of TV shows about not-so-long-gone wars — that doesn’t mean I think the Korean war was all martinis and lipstick and Very Special Moments.

  Something’s different though. I can’t put my finger on it. I would appreciate any guidance you can provide.

  Heh heh heh… Wait… Is it because the series comes from the mind behind “Cop Rock”?

  
  Yo-o-ou be care-ful ouuuut the-e-e-e-ere

• All right. I`m going to change gears and geek out completely. Maybe the geek levels will average out. Anyway, how can you lose cool points if you don’t have any?

  Twice in the last coupla weeks, I’ve dreamed in Buffy fanfic. If the words “Angel,” “sire,” and “Whedon-verse” in quick succession make your eyes roll back in your head, you should probably skip this one.

  Still with me? Last chance.

  
  
  They say the camera adds 10 lbs… to your eyebrows

  So the other night I dreamed:

  • I was the new slayer
  • Someone put a drunk curse (haven’t even seen that episode) on us, so we made out in his under-decorated pink pad. Had to be careful with the teeth
  • Somewhere in the haze of drunk-cursedness, he sired me
  • In this universe, if a vampire with a soul sires you, you also become a vampire with a soul (is this true in the Whedon-verse? There are a lot of episodes I haven’t seen)
  • Jeez, this is dorky. Dorky, dorky, dorky
  • Anyway, I wake up, now sober, and can’t remember what we did. I assume the worst and stand by with a stake, waiting for Angel to wake up all Angelus-fied
  • He wakes up, and he’s normal, so whew for that, but he’s kinda pissed that I was ready to stake him, so we get into an argument
  • During the argument, I get mad and make the mad vampire eyebrows. OMG I`m a vampire!

    
    
    Mad vampire eyebrows holla!

  • As if to compensate for the extreme geek ridiculousness of the dream, I get to have a superpowered slayer-with-vampire-powers fight with some other vampires. That was fun. I get a lot of flying-type dreams, but no superpowered-fighting-maybe-Joss-Whedon-wrote-this dreams.

  Haven’t died of boredom? Hang on — night before last there was a sequel:

  • There was another superpowered fight thing at some anonymous grungy school. Yay! I kick some dudes in the chest and then escape with a woman with very big hair — played by Juliet Landau OMG! So when I end up carrying her and leaping from rooftop to rooftop, it’s no big because she’s like 80 lbs. Have you seen her arms? Anyway
  • We’re about to escape down a stairwell when some blond Ryan Cabrera-lookin` mofo in a jean jacket runs up and tries to hit me in the face with a chain. Fortunately, I am superpowered, so I dodge and put down Juliet Landau who conveniently runs off

    
    
    Like Jeff Buckley + Sun In - talent

  • Then Ryan Cabrera’s all like, “oh, I didn’t know it was you, a vampire slayer,” and hits on me badly. Then this dude who’s apparently my boyfriend in this dream and might look summat like Bruce Campbell shows up and sits beside him and waits for him to shut up
  • Good times

  It’s nice to see I have such a high opinion of myself that my subconscious gives me dreams where I save the world and still snag a significant other so mellow he’s willing to watch with amusement while some lamer hits on me.

• I made a mix for running on the treadmill, due to it is hot and I enjoy the wild and crazy American irony of running for exercise in an air-conditioned gym. Running to music is kinda hit or miss, due to you don’t really know what’s going to work until you try it, and then there are long quiet verses or the tempo isn’t quite right or something.

  But once in awhile you find a song that is so block-rockin` it gives you honest-to-Gawd chills while you run and you want to play it again, again I say! (Tho` you don’t, because you don’t want to waste its limited chill powers.)

  The last time it happened it was “Salvation” by the Cranberries. So that’s a while back.

  This week I tried out Christina Milian’s “Dip It Low” (OMG I am so on the cutting edge!!!1) and it worked like a champ. Put the speed up to 7.5 or more and your feet hit just right on “Pop… pop… POP THAT THANG.” Fun. Nest.

  
  
  Dude… I think this song might be about doin` it…

  Hip-hop and pop seem to work better than rawk, since the vocals are right up front and the beats are skippy. “Pressure Drop” (The Specials` version) is the right tempo, too, and maybe “Bug A Boo.” I`m scouring playlist sites to see what other songs might be a good fit. Any recommendations?

  
  
  Not the time for mope rock

Jane Fonda (TWIH) To Tour

So Jane Fonda’s going to tour the country to call for an end to the war in Iraq.

X
If I could bring meself to put up a picture of Jane Fonda, it would go here.

Now I`m gonna show you how my politics don’t go all the way to the left.

My dad refers to her only as “that woman I hate.” Now, he’s a pretty reasonable man, but he takes a hard line on certain issues, and this is one of them. And I think if you fight in a war you earn the right to hate someone who poses for photos with the people you were fighting.

Growing up, there was no TWIH allowed in the house — not even Cat Ballou, where you`d think Lee Marvin would counteract the treason cooties, but no. We were watching Singles one night, and my dad said, “Who’s in this?”
Matt Dillon, Bridget Fonda…
“Is she related to that woman I hate?”
Not directleeeee…

Not TWIH
(Is this why Kyra Sedgwick has a series and I don’t?)

As for me, I watched Barbarella without ralphing, but I tend to make a sneery face when I see or read about her. She’s apologized for hurting veterans and their families, and I guess that’s all you can do, I dunno, seems if you were rich and famous and really serious about making up for past mistakes you could do some penitence with the VA, tho` they might not want you around…

But now she wants to do a tour? Who the crap does she think she`d be helping?

The pinkos that would respond to a TWIH cross-country tour in a vegetable oil bus (get to that in a second) are already against the war. In software terms:

public class TwihTourReaction extends TourReaction {

private static final String PINKO_ACTION = “See french-fry smelling TWIH”;
private static final String CON_ACTION = “Picket french-fry smelling TWIH”;
private static final String MIDDLE_ACTION = “Cringe, instinctively question position on war”;

//Enter levels of support as int from 1-100

public static void main (int supportWar, int supportTroops) {

   boolean supportsWar = supportWar > WAR_SUPPORT_THRESHHOLD;
   boolean supportsTroops = supportTroop > TROOP_SUPPORT_THRESHHOLD;

   if ( ! supportsWar && ! supportsTroops)
       return PINKO_ACTION;

   if ( supportsWar && supportsTroops)
       return CON_ACTION;

   if ( ! supportsWar && supportsTroops)
       return MIDDLE_ACTION;
   else {
          throw InvalidPoliticsException;
          return null;
   }
}
}

I was willing to give Jane Fonda the benefit of the doubt, but this new tour plan indicates she has *no idea* what she’s done or what mainstream opinion is of her, especially in proximity to saying the word “war.” Embarrassing!

But there’s some consolation in this article — she’s traveling in a corn oil bus. Heh heh heh. This means the likelihood is extremely high that it will break down ten minutes away from an engagement, and the Green Party support staff won’t know how to fix it, and no mechanic in the tri-county area will touch it, and the unshaven, crocheted-hat, slope-shouldered Green tweens will be too busy shaming each other for drinking Coke-owned Dasani to do anything to help, and everyone will scream in frustration and go home.

I got some Green Party bitterness. I hope you understand.

He doesn’t love you! He’s just USING YOU!