The Tory Party

Translation Services

This is a little insane. But I`m working on a screenplay that needs a couple of key words in foreign languages. But research is hard, and I`m rilly, rilly lazy, so I thought I`d start by seeing if any readers spoke these languages and could help me out.

I need

• “red crescent” in Arabic
• “red crescent” in Farsi
• “wild onions” in Hindustani

Actually, I`m so dumb I don’t even know if what I want “wild onions” in is Hindustani. The character is a teenager from a wealthy family that left India when she was little. What language(s) would she be most likely to know?

Pretty arbitrary, I know. But that’s how wacky I am.

Dude from She Spies

I have a crush on the dude from She Spies.

His name is Carlos Jacott, and he’s like a prettier Latino Ted Raimi. He does, in fact, have the Joxer the Mighty role on She Spies, which is a show that is actually funny as hell, especially when you’re writing a screenplay at 3 in the morning and you want to see some sexy game actors turn a twenty-dollar-budget into a syndicated series. With leather pants.

Oh, dude from She Spies. Could you be more underrated?

He’s been in a whole bunch of crazy crap — the mole from the Firefly pilot, pool boy Ramon from the Seinfeld where Kramer wears the Technicolor Dream Coat (he eventually gets cannon-balled by Newman).

He evokes David Burke (Arthur on the live-action The Tick series, and now Father Something O`Something on Joan of Arcadia), but they are not the same.

Not the dude from She Spies. But noble effort.

He was also in Bats, which I haven’t seen, but I`d be happy to speculate he’s the best thing in it, in a way that can be described only as Campbellesque.

What I really like about Mr. Carlos Jacott, aside from the comic timing, un-self-consciousness and wicked great hair, is the way he talks. He talks rilly rilly cool. His voice is nice and low and normal, but his enunciation is like super-compressed, like a DJ. So take all the intensity of the vocal presentation of the DJ and put it on a nice soothing voice that doesn’t make your ears bleed or do fart jokes.

How can I be so good and yet have such crappy pics online? It’s Steenburgen Syndrome.

It’s like running a cotton swab through your ear when you get out of the shower, `cause you know you do, and you love it, even though you shouldn’t.

Also he’s got that DeNiro mole on his cheek, which smokes me like salmon.