The Tory Party
Feminism, film, computers and cookies
I Need a Job
Posted by Tory, January 25, 2005 on 7:00 pm | In Amusements | I need YOU to get me hired. |
Probably my casual little blog isn’t the best place to go begging for a job, but it’s here and I can, so why not?
What I need:
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I`m a software developer by trade. I just haven’t been able to find a part-time position to accomodate my odd hours. I would love to do programming or consulting projects. I miss it.
Click for my resume (as a Word document)
Contact information has been removed from this copy for my protection. I will provide a complete copy and references upon request.
What else I can offer:
- I type 80 WPM and make killer coffee.
- I have experience as a writing tutor, as well as in copy-editing and technical writing.
- Thanks to patient training from several friends, I am up to snuff in food preparation. I will cook you a meal like a crazy fool.
- I don’t have certification as yet, but I`m a skilled amateur massage therapist.
If you find me a job lead that results in my employment, I will give you $50. I know that’s not a head-spinning amount of money, but it’s all I can pony up right now. This also works retroactively — I got a tip from Stagger Lee’s brother (via Stagger Lee) a few weeks ago, and if it pans out I intend to fulfill this bargain for her/him/whoever wins Indian leg wrestling for it.
Give me any advice/leads/mocking via email or the talkback below.
Whaddaya say? If this works, I`m going to try it for dating as well.
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Plots That Are Played
Posted by Tory, January 25, 2005 on 7:00 pm | In Amusements |I want to document, right now, before it happens again, the movie plots that are played to death and yet keep showing up, like Karl Rove at a Chinese buffet and unlike John Edwards after July 2004.
Did someone say “buffet”?
| Plot | Examples | Comments |
| Man is tormented by a mysterious stranger, who turns out to be… HIMSELF. | Fight Club, Secret Window, The Dark Half, Identity (sorta) | This worked for Fight Club because 1) it was fresh; 2) it didn’t rely on schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder or some serious (and totally played) mental condition that might, I dunno, interfere with its sufferer’s life in some other way; and 3) you got to see both the characters interacting with their world in a way that made you trust your assumptions and yet did not contradict the revelation. This is called “foreshadowing.” “Foreshadowing” is something Stephen King is not on top of, and while I understand and support his idea that if the author doesn’t know where a story is going then the audience won’t, either, I think if the story takes a radical twist it might be nice to drop some clues earlier. Come on. Take notes from Monk or something. |
| Man is tormented again and again by a past crime and finally realizes… HE`S IN HELL! | Former student’s short film, guest artist’s script, The Ben Stiller Show’s “Low Budget Tales of Cliched Horror” sketch | I nearly fainted of vindication when I saw the Ben Stiller sketch, which was faithful to the 1992 Tales from the Crypt-type shows all the way down to the font used for the credits. Radio shock-jock Damien Faustus refuses go to hell — to complete his pact with the devil — and realizes HE`S ALREADY IN HELL! Brawwk! Ohhh, what a great sketch. Great, great sketch.
I should stop here and not mention that the main character in the guest artist’s script was “William Blake” (Jim Jarmusch is crying!), and that its title is a river from Greek mythology that is NOT pronounced the way the guest artist pronounced it. Maybe he decided that on purpose, but it would be like if someone handed you a script called “Styx” and called it “Stikes.” But saying all that would be shooting myself in the foot and insulting a professional who was very generous with his time and experience, and that would be bitchy and dumb. |
| Young man is tormented when his girlfriend gets… KNOCKED UP. | Alla time. All. A. Time. |
Check it out — if a chick has sex once, she`ll be knocked up. If she has it a bunch of times, she won’t. Ain’t saying nobody in the real world gets knocked up on the first time, but if movies had the same effect on viewers that they did on characters then some couples would pay $90,000 to see them.
The chicks in my class don’t write about getting knocked up — only the dudes. I don’t know why. It’s almost like, for chicks, the idea of reproduction the sense of suspense at the top of every menstrual cycle and the thought of an unknown quantity developing inside you is too complex to capture in a five-minute short. But for a young dude, it comes down to very finite moments like 1) having the sex, 2) getting told by your girlfriend that she is or thinks she is pregnant, 3) taking her to get an abortion (the only outcome or possible implied outcome in these stories, which should demonstrate the authors are also white). The problem for me is, if that’s the ultimate human drama you can imagine, you do not have the depth to explore it. Yeah, I said it. This reminds me of how I want to heckle “Brick” by Ben Folds Five, which I loathe so loathingly I just want to fall back and roll in it like a dog. |
Of course, the vast majority of short scripts I’ve read and films I’ve seen kick ruthless ass, and I`ll be very lucky if my stuff is half as good. But my flimsy, hyper-competitive ego doesn’t want to talk about the the stuff that made me laugh out loud or get sneafy or anything. Especially not the three-minute short a dude made that had animation and musical counterpoint and all sorts of crazy genius shots that I still don’t know how he did and had me laughing pretty much non-stop. Newwww.
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Yes. “and give me back my black t-shirt” Haven`t listened to Ben Folds Five in a while and I think I`m going to pull it out today for that song (because my ex and I are currently dividing up stuff and it will give me the cajones to demand my walkman back even as I make a play for the Swiffer Wetjet). The video is awesome if you haven`t seen it–little girls making barbies and kens get mad at each other.
Comment by Katie — December 31, 1969 #
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Totally off-topic, but I just caught your “find me a job” ad, and was stunned by how pretty you are. I`ve been reading your blog these last months because you`re smart and funny — but I`m now realizing that it sounds like I`m totally crushing on you, so I`ll stop. (And just in case you`re wondering why I ever ran across your blog, your quizzes get handed around on LiveJournal fairly frequently, and I started browsing what else was on your website…)
Comment by Sanguinity_ — December 31, 1969 #
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Rock on, staggerlee. I`ve never seen Ben Folds but he does a lot of stuff with Weird Al and that makes him a-okay in my book.
Comment by Katie — December 31, 1969 #
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dude that song rocks. i was dating an evil biotch when i got to see ben folds five in concert… and i`m with tory when it comes to how evil “brick” is, but “song for the dumped” was sweet live.
Comment by staggerlee — December 31, 1969 #
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Katie — Is “Song for the Dumped” the one that goes “give me my money back, you bitch”? It`s catchy and I like it OK if the drummer wrote it.
Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #
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Sanguinity — Heh — let us not speak of how many photo attempts and brightness/contrast adjustments it took to make me cute. I take your praise and rub it on my face like I do the soft spot between my dog`s ears. Thank you!
Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #
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you forgot: “Girl and guy who initially don`t like each other or are bitterly divorced survive natural disaster or attack by big monster-thing in which most or all of the rest of their party is killed and they therefore end up falling in love”. See Terminator (big monster), Alien v. Predator (big monster), Volcano (natural disaster - volcano), Joe and the Volcano (natural disaster - hurricane), Outbreak (natural disaster - plague), Jurassic Park (big monsters), Independence Day (big monsters), Six Days and Seven Nights (natural disaster - big storm), etc., etc.
Comment by supremegoddessofall — December 31, 1969 #
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But you have to like “Song for the Dumped”, right? Right?
Comment by Katie — December 31, 1969 #
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Umm, yeah. I realized (again) that I am posting here in a thread that`s been unused for 14 months, so nobody will likely ever read what I wrote. Oh well, no harm anway, I guess.
Comment by :NS: — December 31, 1969 #
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those of us that are members of her site can read them, because all new comments can be read from a single page….
Comment by supremegoddessofall — December 31, 1969 #
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Gotta chime in on the “Brick” hating. . . but I`ll deny I ever said so - Ben`s mom is a really, really good friend of mine and I would never tell her I can`t stand her son`s most popular song ever!
Comment by :NS: — December 31, 1969 #
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Have you tried craigslist.org? You can select the nearest metropolitan city and there are new listings updated daily in different categories including part time.
Comment by lady_in_the_radiator(at)yahoo — December 31, 1969 #
Ooh — Quark was what we used to edit the newspaper at school (the first time), and I was an editor there, too (though I`d have to refresh myself about the right marks to make and things, not that I was real diligent about that the first time.) So, hell`s yeah, I can help you out. I think.
Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #
speaking of the job thang, i need your help: what do you know about copy editing, using quark express on MacOs (i`m currently tasked out to the fort stewart/3d ID newspaper, trying to un-rat-fuck their computers)?
Comment by staggerlee — December 31, 1969 #
A pity you aren`t further north. I need someone with pretty much your qualifications (esp. killer coffee)….. but I suppose commuting to the greater-NJ/NY area is out of the question.
Comment by Charlie on the Pennsylvania Turnpike — December 31, 1969 #
Craigslist is very cool and a lot of fun to surf. Umm — now that I look at it again, I realize looking at the “Charlotte” listings would be a lot smarter for me than the “Raleigh” listings. Thank you for the reminder. I`m having good luck — thank all of you very much for your input.
Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #
I can`t help you with the J-O-B, but good luck. As for the dating thing, I`ve had a girlfriend application on my site for months and it certainly isn`t working for me. The good thing is I wrote it up and included it as mostly a joke, plus it`s not on the main site and I`ve never alluded to it in my blog, so my fragile ego isn`t terribly disturbed. However, you`re pretty cuteandsmartandfunny, so maybe you`d have better luck. Also I just wanted to say your humor test r0×0r. I don`t think it could have been more dead-on. Crazy. I`m a sophisticate and stuff with a 9/10 active humor rating. No, I`m not masturbating, I`m stroking my ego. thx.
Comment by Alena — December 31, 1969 #
i might be able to pay you around $20/hour to help me write a content management system. i`m freelancing and have too much work (for once) and need it done pretty soon. i might also have some leads on other projects that we could collaborate on. i need someone with solid PHP/MySQL skills. i`ve emailed the address in your resume, just posting here to let you know. i`m near Chapel Hill. thanks.
Comment by Anonymous — December 31, 1969 #
Heh heh. monster.com is cool, and I`ve been checking it regularly, but I find it`s mostly full-time and semi-full-time stuff. I`m going to follow up on some ads from the local paper today — the funny thing is how underqualified I am for the things I want to do. Heh heh heh. I am ridiculous.
Also, I`m afraid an LDS dude would be really, really disappointed with me, like the first time I order a vodka tonic. It is my determination that the kind of dude I`d like to date wouldn`t be looking for dates online, but they might have FRIENDS that get online, and there you are.
Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #
Have you tried monster.com? As for your dating life, there is an lds site at www.ldslinkup.com. But the internet is a meager source for dating, you might as well try real life too. Then you won`t get fake pictures/fake personalities/a date with someone 2000 miles away. -dylock@hotmail.com
Comment by Dylock — December 31, 1969 #
you know, what i should do is just give you his number because he is always looking for another job. my mom says he`s working construction and working at the chop house too…
Comment by staggerlee — December 31, 1969 #