Get a Sculpture of Yourself

Posted by Tory, January 26, 2005 on 7:00 pm | In Amusements | 8 Comments

Or of someone else. Or your dog. Or anything.

I figured while I`m nosing about for a job I might actually be active in providing something worth buying:

Order a Custom Action Figure via eBay

I’ve been making clay figures of people and things for a long time. This Christmas I made a little clay version of my parents` dog, Jackie, so my dad could bring her to work.

I made a figure of Stagger Lee, and we’re still friends, so they can’t be that bad.

Some people have told me I could sell them, so I`m going to put that to the test. Come on. Who doesn’t want a clay version of their girlfriend watching them from their bedside table?

Plots That Are Played

Posted by Tory, January 25, 2005 on 7:00 pm | In Amusements | No Comments

I want to document, right now, before it happens again, the movie plots that are played to death and yet keep showing up, like Karl Rove at a Chinese buffet and unlike John Edwards after July 2004.


Did someone say “buffet”?

Plot Examples Comments
Man is tormented by a mysterious stranger, who turns out to be… HIMSELF. Fight Club, Secret Window, The Dark Half, Identity (sorta) This worked for Fight Club because 1) it was fresh; 2) it didn’t rely on schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder or some serious (and totally played) mental condition that might, I dunno, interfere with its sufferer’s life in some other way; and 3) you got to see both the characters interacting with their world in a way that made you trust your assumptions and yet did not contradict the revelation. This is called “foreshadowing.” “Foreshadowing” is something Stephen King is not on top of, and while I understand and support his idea that if the author doesn’t know where a story is going then the audience won’t, either, I think if the story takes a radical twist it might be nice to drop some clues earlier. Come on. Take notes from Monk or something.
Man is tormented again and again by a past crime and finally realizes… HE`S IN HELL! Former student’s short film, guest artist’s script, The Ben Stiller Show’s “Low Budget Tales of Cliched Horror” sketch I nearly fainted of vindication when I saw the Ben Stiller sketch, which was faithful to the 1992 Tales from the Crypt-type shows all the way down to the font used for the credits. Radio shock-jock Damien Faustus refuses go to hell — to complete his pact with the devil — and realizes HE`S ALREADY IN HELL! Brawwk! Ohhh, what a great sketch. Great, great sketch.


Formative stuff. This is what I watched while my parents were downstairs watching 60 Minutes.

I should stop here and not mention that the main character in the guest artist’s script was “William Blake” (Jim Jarmusch is crying!), and that its title is a river from Greek mythology that is NOT pronounced the way the guest artist pronounced it. Maybe he decided that on purpose, but it would be like if someone handed you a script called “Styx” and called it “Stikes.” But saying all that would be shooting myself in the foot and insulting a professional who was very generous with his time and experience, and that would be bitchy and dumb.
Young man is tormented when his girlfriend gets… KNOCKED UP. Alla time. All. A. Time. Check it out — if a chick has sex once, she`ll be knocked up. If she has it a bunch of times, she won’t. Ain’t saying nobody in the real world gets knocked up on the first time, but if movies had the same effect on viewers that they did on characters then some couples would pay $90,000 to see them.

The chicks in my class don’t write about getting knocked up — only the dudes. I don’t know why. It’s almost like, for chicks, the idea of reproduction the sense of suspense at the top of every menstrual cycle and the thought of an unknown quantity developing inside you is too complex to capture in a five-minute short. But for a young dude, it comes down to very finite moments like 1) having the sex, 2) getting told by your girlfriend that she is or thinks she is pregnant, 3) taking her to get an abortion (the only outcome or possible implied outcome in these stories, which should demonstrate the authors are also white). The problem for me is, if that’s the ultimate human drama you can imagine, you do not have the depth to explore it. Yeah, I said it. This reminds me of how I want to heckle “Brick” by Ben Folds Five, which I loathe so loathingly I just want to fall back and roll in it like a dog.

Of course, the vast majority of short scripts I’ve read and films I’ve seen kick ruthless ass, and I`ll be very lucky if my stuff is half as good. But my flimsy, hyper-competitive ego doesn’t want to talk about the the stuff that made me laugh out loud or get sneafy or anything. Especially not the three-minute short a dude made that had animation and musical counterpoint and all sorts of crazy genius shots that I still don’t know how he did and had me laughing pretty much non-stop. Newwww.

I Need a Job

Posted by Tory, January 25, 2005 on 7:00 pm | In Amusements | No Comments

I need YOU to get me hired.		 Probably my casual little blog isn’t the best place to go begging for a job, but it’s here and I can, so why not?

What I need:

  • A part-time job, at least $15/hour (I can only devote up to 35 hours/week).
  • Accomodating school schedule, which means I can work many hours some days and few other days. It also means I`m available nights and weekends, but not every night or weekend.
  • If a commute is necessary, it must be within or close to Winston-Salem, NC, 27127. See time issue.
  • No naked, illegal or unsafe.
  • No breathing cigarette smoke all night.

I`m a software developer by trade. I just haven’t been able to find a part-time position to accomodate my odd hours. I would love to do programming or consulting projects. I miss it.

Click for my resume (as a Word document)
Contact information has been removed from this copy for my protection. I will provide a complete copy and references upon request.

What else I can offer:

  • I type 80 WPM and make killer coffee.
  • I have experience as a writing tutor, as well as in copy-editing and technical writing.
  • Thanks to patient training from several friends, I am up to snuff in food preparation. I will cook you a meal like a crazy fool.
  • I don’t have certification as yet, but I`m a skilled amateur massage therapist.

If you find me a job lead that results in my employment, I will give you $50. I know that’s not a head-spinning amount of money, but it’s all I can pony up right now. This also works retroactively — I got a tip from Stagger Lee’s brother (via Stagger Lee) a few weeks ago, and if it pans out I intend to fulfill this bargain for her/him/whoever wins Indian leg wrestling for it.

Give me any advice/leads/mocking via email or the talkback below.

Whaddaya say? If this works, I`m going to try it for dating as well.

Sense of Humor Quiz!

Posted by Tory, January 23, 2005 on 7:00 pm | In Amusements | No Comments

Quizzy quiz quiz! This one is kind of weird, and not real helpful (like, yeah, I *know* what I think is funny. But thanks.) But you might get a kick out of taking it for a test drive before its public release:

20 Questions to a Better Sense of Humor

Rock.

Text Messaging Insanity

Posted by Tory, January 22, 2005 on 7:00 pm | In Amusements | 1 Comment

Let’s start the new year off right — with bizarre messages sent to me from the same ex-boyfriend of the previously documented drama:

December 4 — He emails me to ask me to return some of his video games via a mutual friend. I don’t get to this email for a couple of weeks, but when I do I email back saying I`ll do it.

The following are text-messages from his phone number:

—————
Thursday, December 23, 2004 1:03 AM
Wanna get drunk and make out?
—————

This is funny because he doesn’t drink. This is weird because except for the previous email we haven’t communicated in months.

I respond with something like “You are a strange little bird.”

—————
Thursday, December 23, 2004 11:04 PM
Funny you say that because i just laid an egg
—————

Okay, still weird, but weird in a much more normal way. I don’t respond because it seems no response is necessary.

—————
Friday, December 24, 2004 7:19 PM
NOT TOO LATE 2 GET DRUNKĀ AND MAKE OUT OMG LOLOL!!!1!one!
—————

Getting bad weird again. Again, I don’t respond.

—————
Saturday, January 1, 2005 1:29 AM
OMG IS UR EMAIL BROKE? IT IS STILL SCHOOL BREAK AND NOT TOO LATE 4 FULL
RELEASE MASSAGE OMG!

—————

Yucky. That was this morning, of course. Someone needs a hobby. Time for a stern response. Will update.

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