The Tory Party

Tory`s School of Socialization: Mingling

Can I write this article in 15 minutes? Let’s find out.

Today’s lesson is about the mingling phase. I rule in the mingling phase. Later phases where confrontation and conflict resolution come in don’t work for me so much, but mingling — rock on.

I’ve realized I have a four-pronged plan for determining whether I`m going to be best friends forever with someone. And here’s how it goes.

ITEM 1: Ask insightful questions.

This doesn’t have to blow any minds. But if somebody was in California yesterday, you might ask, oh, I dunno, if they’ve got any jet lag. Or like one time I was talking to a woman who used to commute from Greensboro to Chapel Hill for school, and I said says I, “Ooh, so you were driving into the sun both ways?” And she got so excited because YES the sun on I-40 is awful, and although I totally cheated and knew about driving to Greensboro at sunset already and stuff it was a great moment and clicking was extremely high and we were able to go right to item 2.

ITEM 2: Refer to what has been said before.

Make it like a Seinfeld episode where the end comes around to what happened at the beginning. If someone says they came from a real small town, and someone else says later that everybody has an ice cream shop in their hometown that they think is the best, then you can say “Oh ho, except for so-and-so” (So and So! Whatsherface! GRASPED.) Okay, that’s a pretty lame example, but if you make a joke based on something said 20 minutes ago then there will be great rejoicing in the land.

ITEM 3: Gentle negging.

If someone successfully makes it through the first two stages — they’re responsive to it, maybe they do it themselves — then you give `em a leeeetle bit of negative attention. Make fun of them just a leetle bit, to show you care. If they’re leading you somewhere and get a little bit lost, razz `em a little. But neg `em only on things that 1) could happen to anyone and 2) you know don’t bother them. And only briefly. Razz `em, then razz yourself, then move on.

ITEM 4: Random references

Okay. You know what I do on this site. Random references all the time all over the map that make up for what they lack in funny with speed and persistence. Make `em fast, make `em obscure and forget `em if they don’t make anybody laugh, but be prepared to explain them in a way that doesn’t make you look like a jackass if someone asks. So that tends to leave out the Noam Chomsky and the obscure local band you saw last week.

Sound terribly simple and dumb? Oh no. Many people never get past the second item. A whole lot of people — especially, oh, I dunno, young people, people in the arts — are what I`d call active but not reactive. They get so excited talking about themselves that there’s not enough dialogue to get past item 2. But sometimes you run into someone so magnificently cool that THEY do these items to YOU. F`rinstance, my heckling partner skipped item 3 altogether and jumped to making references to, ooh, I dunno, something I`m just a leetle bit interested in, like, oh, Tex Avery cartoons, and the amount of pee ensuing was immeasurable. Thank God it was via email. Random pee is what email is for.

This wasn’t very funny. I apologize. My 15 minutes are up. I`ll be funnier tomorrow.

CRESCENT FRESH.