Cucarachas

Posted by Tory, September 28, 2004 on 8:00 pm | In Amusements |

So-o-o-o I`m sitting in the computer lab at the North Carolina School of the Arts. It’s student orientation. Everybody here is twelve years old, though prolly because the high school students are here and the returning college students are not. I passed a flock of dance students and they were the tiniest, most nubile things you ever saw. In this very lab there are three tweens listening to “Yeah” on their little flat-panel Dells. (Ursher got the geek to make your booty go SHPAH.)

But I don’t want to talk about that now. What I want to talk about now is the apartment I`m living in. Specifically, that it has cucarachas. Not a lot — just enough to be interesting.

I like the word “cucaracha” better than the obvious alternative `cos it sounds kind of fancy, like something that might be served with rosemary and a cloth napkin. However I realize that using it may or may not be bitter wacky irony, since the specific ilk of cucaracha I am dealing with is German.

Oh, but what is the difference, you ask, between a German cucaracha and an American cucaracha? I`m so glad you brought it up:

American German
Size Big ass. (up to 2″) Slender, I daresay, `European` (1/2″)
Color Black An urbane tawny tea
Response to lights being turned on Scatter Dude, you see something?
I imagine they say things like All teams halt. Tango team, to the perimeter. Bravo, cover. RED ALERT! GO NOW NOW NOW! Loo dee doo doot doot dee doo.

So obviously I have the most dashing and rakish cucarachas possible. Tonight I think I may go back and we`ll have a Yuengling and talk politics. Alas, there are drawbacks to having any cucarachas at all, and the following practices have been introduced to my lifestyle:

  • Shaking out clothes and shoes before putting on.
  • Shaking out blankets periodically just for fun.
  • Shaking out my pocketbook, briefcase, anything before taking it out to the car. My greatest fear is that I`ll eventually bring cucarachas back to my house in Durham, or even that I`ll get an infestation in my vehicle like David Sedaris’s dad. Eeeeee.
  • Keeping my beloved Fiber One in a large resealable bag.
  • Eliminating cardboard from my life. Hello, milk crates, my old friend…
  • Once I get in bed for the night, that’s it. No last-minute trips back to the bathroom or kitchen for water. Nuh-uh.
  • No more toast. I think this is what Ozzy was really writing about. There’s just no way to keep a toaster where there are cucarachas. If you have some advice in this department, I would be very grateful, because toast has heretofore been a dietary staple.

But they’re spraying on Tuesday (got to get Jake the dog out of the apartment for the morning) and I got Combat bait stations all over the place, so I ain’t too worried about it. No, Mister Cucaracha. I expect you to DIE!

25 Comments »

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  1. Scissor Sisters OMG! I submit also that I have been bitten by a ladybug. They do bite. It will surprise you and make you go GRA.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  2. I had some skank neighbors years ago who shared their little friends with me. At first it was a bit off-putting, but I got over it. Put out the adhesive `motel` type traps and captured them…then held the trap to the light and looked in to taunt the little bastards. Nyaaa nyaaa nyaaa! I also got very good at the `quick slap` method of disposal. If I turned on the light and there was one on the counter…WHAP! It be dead. Once the neighbor`s moved (with gentle persuasion from me…abusive bastard decided he would be better off to leave his wife and child in peace after I offered to remove all his various appendages. I caught him screaming at and threatening his TWO YEAR OLD CHILD) and the landlord replaced the carpet and sheetrock (yes, both had to be replaced…utter pigs) the problem went away.

    Comment by Flonkbob — December 31, 1969 #

  3. That`s right–just read Consumer Repors magazine. They publish findings showing the “acceptable” parts per million of lots of different foods. I remember an old study they did on peanut butter saying that Jif was the cleanest; i.e. it had the fewest parts per million of insect fragments, rodent feces, and…what was the other component? Rodent hairs I guess. Now I know why we grew up so strong. It wasn`t just the Wonder Bread, but all the extra-added protein in it and in the pb and j!

    Comment by Carolyn — December 31, 1969 #

  4. hermanita! i am sorry about your cucarachas. i like usher - does this make me a tween? my new obsession is scissor sisters, though, elton john lives again…

    Comment by HERMANA MEJOR — December 31, 1969 #

  5. I live in minnesota. No cucaracha`s. woo ha. Though, we have had some spiders in our apartment that were as long as my thumb. Try getting the cats to not eat THAT.

    Comment by sarita — December 31, 1969 #

  6. I live about a hundred feet away from a huge plot of woods and all I can say is just be glad you don`t live in my apartment. Aside from the freaky, skanky redneck neighbors, my other neighbors include googols of ginormous spiders, roaches, flies, mosquitos, wasps, and last fall, thousands upon thousands of Asian ladybugs (I still have random ladybug carcasses all over). Not the normal domestic red ladybugs we`re accustomed to, either.. rumor has it that the Asian infiltrators bite. I`m gradually getting accustomed to sharing a Bug Palace with my unfortunate neighbors.. only now I have a digital camera to document them: http://alenasjunk.blogspot.com/

    Comment by Alena — December 31, 1969 #

  7. I believe my exact words at this point were “Oh, now that`s exciting,” but said in a dry and stern fashion and immediately followed by a Warglike “GRRRAAAA!” as I realized my swiping actions were not solving the yellow jacket issue. Ponytail elastic was rapidly removed. Hair was swatted. Jake was freaked the f*ck out (so much for safe backdoor pippy time). But no one got stung and all was well and Janice the Cucaracha Killer is going to take care of it so rock on.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  8. Heh heh heh — about the yellow jackets — and I hope I`m not complaining about the bug situation too much because it`s really not that bad. But Jake the Dog doesn`t like to go out the front door to pee because it`s usually loud and scary for him and in fact we had a submissive protest pee incident indoors through which he indicated, “Mm, yeah, if it`s OK with you, could I just pee here?” So I started taking him out the back door. I had noticed there were some dead yellow jackets on the carpet by the back door but I didn`t think too much of them because I am an idiot. Out the back door we go for pippy time a couple of times with no incident. Then one morning when I had just gotten back from running so I had my hair in a ponytail (that figures in in a moment, y`see) we go out for pippy and, hm, there`s a couple of yellow jackets floating around here. Then one goes BZZRT right into my hair and gets trapped by the ponytail.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  9. CUCARACHA UPDATE: Janice the Cucaracha Killer came today to spray. She complimented me on my dog food in resealable bags and I would have rolled on the floor in glee if I weren`t deadly deadly afraid of the floor. She opened up under the kitchen sink and said “there`s one” and sprayed the living crap out of it. And I was all like, “can I see?” and I watched her kill it and killing bugs all day can`t be pleasant but gawd it`s got to be satisfying. She also sprayed the yellow jackets on the back patio, but she said she`d have to send around a dude to caulk their hole because she didn`t want to start an electrical problem with spraying in there. Hmm… did I tell you about the yellow jackets?

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  10. Heh heh heh Florida cucarachas. But they call `em Palmetto bugs so it`s like they are tropical exotic and not vermin.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  11. This is the part I am not looking forward to as far the move to Florida goes - the cucarachas. We have em here but they are not nearly as prolific.

    Comment by Kat — December 31, 1969 #

  12. Ew ew ew ew. I saw only two yesterday — including the tiny one in the peanut butter — so maybe the bait traps are starting to work. It is good to hear that spraying for them mostly works. Mostly.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  13. We had a cockroach infestation in my dorm a few weeks ago. One crawled on one of my neighbors and she was jumping up and down screaming and trying to find a shoe and a paper towel and “get it off, get it off!” etc. it was funny, but i felt bad for laughing. they sprayed for them, and we havent had a relapse. but we still have ants in the showers.

    Comment by Crystal — December 31, 1969 #

  14. Use self-adhesive stamps, because roaches also eat the glue off stamps. They like envelope glue, too. Just think - you can lick where roaches have been. Mmmm….And on the peanut butter, if you knew the amount of FDA approved feces and animal body parts and other shit that are allowed to be in there, you wouldn`t eat it anyway.

    Comment by stagger lee — December 31, 1969 #

  15. Ooh — also introduced to my lifestyle is kicking the trash bag before I put anything in it. Not that I`ve seen any cucarachas in or even around the trash bag — just better safe than sorry. Also, I can`t bring myself to sit on any of my cloth furniture — I saw one on the arm of the couch once. I just sit on either my wooden chair or the floor. Ewww.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  16. Random update — last night I heard my dog going scrapey scrapey scrapey at the carpet. I think, ew, he`s got a cucaracha, but good for him to catch it. It turned out to be a normal old beetle — not exactly yummy, but not a cucaracha either. Also I`ve seen a couple of spiders (YAY! I like spiders a lot — the good garden kind, not the bitey kind, of course) and a big old ant. So maybe there`s just a sealing problem and not an infestation problem. In any event, there does seem to be a decrease since I put out the Combat bait traps.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  17. Because the cucarachas live in the cardboard and eat the glu-u-ue! Ew ew ew. Not to just make the phobias worse. Also, I found a tiny cucaracha in my PEANUT BUTTER this morning. Like, lid screwed on peanut butter tightly but cucaracha anyway. Okay, it`s my dog`s peanut butter, but I eat from it sometime. Not. Any. More. Honestly, the tiny cucarachas (like, smaller than the head of a pin) I don`t mind because I can sort of pretend they`re something else.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  18. What`s the deal with cardboard?

    Comment by Alena — December 31, 1969 #

  19. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! Serious phobia. over here, and I couldn`t even read the whole post. I have to clean my kitchen on Sunday, and, THANK GOD the pest control ppl will be here Tuesday, but I am going to be paranoid about those things all weekend, through Tueday. And believe everything cardboard is going out this weekend somehow.

    Comment by KahluaDiva — December 31, 1969 #

  20. AARGH. Yeck yeck yeck. At least now I understand the cucarachas are a rite of passage and not punishment from the fates. I`m gonna use your alcohol idea, Angie, and I`m gonna commemorate it to you appropriately, like “Angie`s Foolproof Cucaracha Killer.” That way I will laugh as I kill. Laugh!

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

  21. The fridge. Or the oven. Those are the only two insect-proof locations in a kitchen. — And you have brought horrible memories of the cockroach infestation I lived through, and how I`d get to campus and realize that one had hidden on me somewhere and was crawling through my hair…

    Comment by Sanguinity — December 31, 1969 #

  22. I find that a spray bottle filled with rubbing alcohol set to “stream” does a wonderful job of cleaning up las cucarachas. The alcohol quickly tuckers them out (one or two good hits does the job), allowing you to keep your distance with the added bonus of disinfecting. A quick swipe with the paper towel, and no more mess. Its not as complete or instant as coating your house in toxins, but its cleaner and I sure feel better knowing I have taken back control of my own habitat.

    Comment by Angie — December 31, 1969 #

  23. Oh, and I rather enjoyed your comparison between the two types of roaches.

    Comment by Alena — December 31, 1969 #

  24. Okay, while I`m not certain what kind of cucarachas I have (they`re probably the good ole red-white-and-blue-gun-totin`-redneck ones, to match my neighbors), I share your pain. I live in an old apartment building inhabited by skanks (not including myself, of course) and the roaches aren`t really mine, but they show up now and then just to share my company. I understand what a staple toast is, my only suggestion is to place the toaster in a hard-to-reach place, if you have one. For example, my old toaster used to reside on top of the microwave, which is itself on top of a stand away from the wall. Yeah, I know they could get to the top if they really want to, but I`ve never seen any in the vicinity and I consider it relatively safe. You`ve made me a little paranoid about my toaster oven, though, which is currently placed on the counter next to the stove, a place I *have* spotted a cucaracha not terribly long ago.

    Comment by Alena — December 31, 1969 #

  25. I`m also wearing flip-flops around the house. Ewwww.

    Comment by Tory — December 31, 1969 #

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