The Tory Party

Big Arnie`s Plastic Surgery Freaks Me Out

I`m getting the drop on Awful Plastic Surgery. I rule. Just thought it was time to give the Governor his due.

Once upon a time, Big Arnie had a normal face. He was even — I hate to say it, since the bizarre and cocky Pumping Iron-era version of him reminds me of nothing so much as my last ex’s younger brother — kinda good-looking. Even cute. Yecchy, but cute.

Oh, Chester the Molester, you dashing rake.

What I want you to pay attention to here are his eyes. Yes, he’s squinting in both pictures, but he’s under 40 and he’s got under-eye meat and crows-feet. That’s how people look when they squint up. It’s nice and normal. Also note that the meat above his eyelids angles down, and you can’t seen ANY eyelid underneath it.

Somewhere between Commando and Junior he had a little work done. I can’t even say what or how much, which means it was good work, but things are sleeker and the crows-feet have all but disappeared.

You can see a little eyelid on the outside corners of his eyes in the second picture, which is new, and something mysterious has happened to his hair color in the last picture, but generally all is well.

The photographers must have surprised him.

EWWW! He just looks so… alert. Scope out the picture in the middle — what the CRAP. He’s smiling, but nobody told his eyes. Nowadays he’s got this demented Parkinsonian look in his eyes all the time. Upsetting. Also, that is one shiny face for a fifty-year-old dude. My dad’s Big Arnie’s age and in the 95th percentile for aging well, but his cheeks and forehead have never gleamed like the hood of a Pontiac GTO.

Just for fun, compare how different his smile is from 1980. Don’t even worry about the dental work, and how he doesn’t show as much gums on the sides anymore. Those nasolabial folds, so prominent in his youth, have mysteriously vanished. And it ain’t just the lighting — in his Pumping Iron 25th anniversary interviews, the band of flesh from cheekbone to chin *doesn’t move.* Very upsetting.

Also, not-so-plausible hair color is in full effect. He’s gone from dirty blond to total Endora.

Please, darling, I would never wear that much makeup.

BUT WAIT THERE`S MORE! The above stuff is Collateral Damage Arnie. Governor Arnie — RNC-speaking Arnie — is even worse.

How do dudes get eyelifts that make their eyes look *smaller*?

Ew ew ew ew ew! So shiny. So sleek. So much makeup. Check out the weird bad draping on the sides of his lower lip in the last photo. This is one of many reasons dudes shouldn’t get facelifts. Speaking of bad draping:

EW!

By the way, the short beard screams “hiding facelift incisions” to me.

Maybe you`d like a side-by-side comparison? Okay…

Don’t fire until you see the OH HOLY CRAP!

Whoa! Looks like eyes that used to be almost trangular are now mysteriously trapezoidal. Somebody’s doctor hit the Caribou Coffee before surgery. I would say — with great reluctance — that the Arnie on the left is kinda cute. The Arnie on the right is scary as hell.

Hmm… There’s a resemblance here to someone else in the f*ck-the-poor carpool…

Old Timer’s disease makes you Republican!

Ha ha ha, I get my jollies offa tormenting feeble tragic old farts! I`m Michael Moore!

No, seriously, all Charlton needs is some Paul McCartneyTM brand orange pomade for his hair and eyebrows and they are clones.

Ew.

Exchange Between Dirty Hippie and Dad

dear boredom and tony,

today during taser instructor training at the highway patrol academy dad got “tased” for 5 seconds which gave dad the following deep thoughts:

1. it is better to tase than to be tased.

B. after being tased, you do not have an enemy in the world…except for people who protested the war you were still in. such protests include throwing away medals your men won for you and posing with the enemy on their antiaircraft weapons. if you get dad’s drift.

III. therefore, dad believes that EVERYONE should be tased.

4. people given the death penalty who have been tased will always choose lethal injection over the electrical chair .

E. the immediate post-tasing period includes what is knowed as euphoria. you know, due to not being tased any more.

VI. it is possible to shout “goddam” 300 times in five seconds.

7. don’t never pick up no wet electical wires while standing in no water.

heart dad

——————————————–

Tony is weirdly jealous of dad getting tasered. There are not a lot of tasering opportunities in Tony’s line of work.

Tony respects the Marine mentality due to Marine mentality kept Tony in bagels and runing shoes for 20+ years. Still, Tony prefers the guy who was a butt in 1974 to the guy who was a butt in 2004.

Also, George W. Bush might have protested the war too if he had had any other interests besides hookers and coke.

Herat,
Tony