The Tory Party

Bush, sheep, gay marriage, and Leviticus…

Since Tory added this nifty new feature, I thought I would try it out. This is an essay I published on my livejournal a few months ago when the Republicans began squawking over the attempt of Gavin Newsome to actually respect the rights of LGBT individuals to actually have some of the same rights when it comes to love as the rest of the world…

If sheep love grass, why hasn’t Bush legalized marijuana?

Perhaps because he’s too busy poisoning Eros’s arrows.

I cringe at the possibility that we may once again end up with the Republican version of fascism and destruction of individual rights holding our presidency…

In place of “It’s the economy, stupid!,” I propose that we adopt the slogan “It’s about the love, stupid!” You know, put it in simple terms the sheep can understand. Short sentences. One syllable words. You know - completely eliminate the need to analyze, interpret, or otherwise *think* about the written material that is presented.

Heaven forbid they have to *think* or *analyze* or *interpret*! These *are* after all, the people who believe that we should take the Bible literally, with all its rules written some-odd thousand of years ago, and SMACK! apply it straight to our current society.

And Leviticus is always the favorite weapon of choice - those little bits about not lying with man as with woman…

I’ve always been fond of Leviticus. Lots of good stuff in there. Let’s examine, shall we?

Leviticus 4:27-29 - “If a private person commits a sin inadvertengly by doing one of the ghins which are forbidden by the commandments of the Lord, and thus becomes guilty, should he later on learn of the sin he committed, he shall bring an unblemished she-goat as the offering for his sin.”

Hmm. How many dead Iraqis, killed in the war? I`m remembering a bit about “thou shalt not kill.” That’s a lot of goats to sacrifice, Mr. Bush - hope you’ve been breeding them!

Leviticus 7:23-25 - “…You shall not eat the fat of any ox or sheep or goat…If anyone eats the fat of an animal…such a one shall be cut off from his people.”

Banish all the mutton-eaters!

And among the animals you can’t eat: pigs, rabbits, all non-fish marine animals, any animals with paws (and there are about 100 others listed, too!)

Leviticus 15:16 - When a man has an emission of seed, he shall bathe his whole body in water and be unclean until evening

Would completely take the fun out of masturbation, now wouldn’t it?

Leviticus 19:19 - …do not breed any of your domestic animals with others of a different species; do not so a field of yours with two different kinds of seed; and do not put on a garment woven with two different kinds of thread.

Mules and rayon are tools of the devil!

Leviticus 19:26 - Do not eat meat with the blood still in it.

Rare meat is the devil’s handmaiden

Leviticus 19:33 - When an alien resides with you in your land, do not molest him. You shall treat the alien who resides with you no differently than the natives born among you; have the same love for him as for yourself…

Don’t forbid illegal immigrants, welcome them! All of them! Completely open borders! Full benefits!

And things that carry the death penalty:
–cursing one’s mother or father
–adultery
–male homosexuality (but not female! It’s okay to munch the carpet, just not bugger the hole…)
–bestiality

Lotta people better make their amends with their maker, cuz Leviticus says God is coming for ya, and he is pissed!

Gotta love translating for God. Because men do *such* a better job of it than God does.