The Tory Party

Dubya and the Swift Boat Liars

“I keep hearing these Republicans trying to dismiss the three injuries Kerry got in Vietnam. You know, I didn’t see Ann Coulter out there. I didn’t see Rush Limbaugh out there. I didn’t see Dick Cheney, who got five deferments out there. …They turn their slime machine on John Kerry. They did it to John McCain. They did it to me. Don’t let them do it to John Kerry.” - Max Cleland (saw it on BartCop.com — from the Washington Post)

If you don’t know who Max Cleland is, he’s the Vietnam veteran with a Silver Star and three missing limbs who lost a Georgia Senate election thanks to GOP ads putting him alongside Osama Bin Laden for opposing the invasion of Iraq.

The 2004 Rove machine has started. I just keep flashing back to the nurse in The Verdict: These men… who were these men?

Quick story: My dad was washing dishes in the sink. There was weird evening light coming through the window, and it lit up this vicious-looking scar on the back of his neck that I`d never noticed before.

“God, dad, where`d you get that scar?”

“What scar?”

“There, on your neck.”

He stopped and looked over at me with this kind of wild glint in his eye, but his voice was normal and even when he said:

“Honey, I was in a war.”

Have you been in a war, Mister President? I sure haven’t. I got scars from falling off bikes — I guess you do, too. Maybe when you and your campaign people think of getting hurt, and what’s a significant injury and what’s not — maybe you’re thinking of slipping on ice, or spraining your ankle — maybe you’re thinking of what puts you out of commission for a week, or what hurts your 5K time. Maybe you think of a trip to the doctor and some medical bills. That’s how civilians think of getting hurt. That’s how I think of getting hurt.

Mister President, I think we’re about level in terms of what we understand about war. You — a fifty-something dude who got a deferment to a cushy National Guard unit for politicians` kids — and me, a twenty-six-year-old chick who’s never been nowhere never done nothing. So maybe I`m not the best person in the world to call you on your filthy stupid slimy ads. But Senator John Kerry — honey, he was in a war. So you shut your filthy mouth.

** Happy Birthday to-o-o Me-e-e!

I never used to be real goopy about my birthday. I think then I got this group of friends who “care” about me and like to have “fun” and thus “attach significance to the anniversary of my birth.” Not only does this enable me to be a self-indulgent peach-cobbler-eating pretty pretty princess all week, but it reminds me that I am a huge jerk because I can’t seem to devote the mental space to more than three of my friends` birthdays at a time. I am ridiculous.

I`m not going to drink Bacawwdi like it’s my burt-day, but when I get home I may have a snoot of JD.

Random Thoughts II

• When in the world did Prince Harry turn out to be so hot? It looked like he was going to be Alfred E. Neuman to Prince William’s Ralph Fiennes his whole life, and then SHA-POW he comes out the other side of adolescence smelling like a rose and looking a little like the dude who played Scut Farkus. You take these two and Danny Bonaduce and you got proof that even the goofiest-looking redheaded boy can turn out well. Speaking of Danny Bonaduce — hey, David Cassidy, who’s hot now? Hah? Who’s hot now?
• Better 80s Love Theme: Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love” from The Karate Kid, or Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away” from Top Gun?
• I took a tumble on pavement yesterday (long story, but my dog tripped me). This reminded me that I am exceedingly gifted buster-of-ass — due to many, many years of practice. I have a nice hard fall running maybe three times a year — more now that I have a dog. I`m hella klutzy– it’s a large part of why I prefer diet soda and synthetic fabrics.

  Anyway, I`m good at falling. I`d pay a dollar to have some footage of my falling technique; all I know is the last thing I see is my feet stuck out wa-a-ay over my head, and I end up in a sitting position with scrapes on the heels of my hands, bruised elbow, bruised shoulder, bruised hip. How do I even manage all that It’s like some kinda asphalt gremlin goes bop-bop-bop down the right side of my body — always the right side, which tells me there’s some subconscious technique at play. Same deal for taking a huge gravel-eating header off a bike, which I may or may not have done a few months ago (wear your helmet, kids). It was when I was learning to ride a bike (ripe age of 16) that a friend pointed out how good I am at falling. He meant it as a compliment. It’s true. But if my secret superpower is distributing impact along a series of soft tissues, I`m not sure I wouldn’t like to sign up for a better one. It’s not like Mystique transforms and then has to spend five minutes convincing bystanders that she’s fine.

• The worst part of buying things on eBay is what they put in the item title — indicating who the seller thinks this item would appeal to, and by extension indicating what the seller thinks of you. So all the vintage shirts I`m looking at have “emo” stuck on the end. Fine. That’s one thing. But I was looking for a copy of “Animalympics,” and, oh God, more than one says “furry.” EWWWWW! I`m just trying to have a little nostalgia and see the storyline with the goat and the lioness which without a doubt is part of why I`m a jogger today, and you gotta go and say “furry” like I`m some kind of fevered fur perv. Ew.
• Better grammatically-impaired theme from an 80s TV family sitcom in which the actress portraying the older daughter struggled with an eating disorder: Growing Pains` As Long As We Got Each Other or Family Ties` Without Us?
• My achilles is acting up again. The other one. Ah, mortality.
• A couple people have asked me what kind of movies I want to make. I don’t really know what kind. I just know specific movies I want to make. Like, you know how in zombie movies, a person gets zombified instantly — like instantly goes from smart and normal to stupid and zombie? I want to make a zombie movie where you go zombie re-e-e-al slow, so the person getting zombified at first just thinks they’re having an off day. Like maybe there’s camp counselors hanging around at the end of the session, when the kids have gone home. And they’re playing Trivial Pursuit, and the smartest one just can’t seem to get any questions right, and at first it’s just “oh ho, you’re not so smart” but then it gets really awkward and painful to watch. When the zombie stuff finally takes over (takes a while, so you have a chance to infect more people), all the victim can say are a few fixed sentences that disguise their zombieness, like “could I just sit with you a while?” and “I just like listening to you.”

  Or maybe a zombie movie where getting zombified makes you freakishly smart. I`m open to rewrites.

  Maybe I just like to say “zombie.” Zombie zombie zombie.