The Tory Party

RedReplicant on the Next Pony Generation

Posted by Tory, July 27, 2004 on 8:00 pm | In Amusements |

[What follows is commentary on the collapse of My Little Pony quality, written by RedReplicant. It’s deadly on target, and I`m especially glad I`m not alone in my studies. - T]

While I am sure you got plenty of responses on this delicate issue, it
upsets me so much that I thought I might as well put my two cents in.
Your theory about flutterponies may be right. The skinnied-down ponies were nowhere near as beautiful as the regular chunky ponies. However, they aren’t nearly as bad as the current ponies! The new ponies are the most terrible toy ever popular, possibly worse than Furbies. They absolutely ruined several of the great aspects of old ponies.

[Tee hee — check out my ghetto-fabulous ankle tattoo! Wanna buy me a Zima? - T]

• 1. They lack opacity. Clear-ish horses have never been as good as
  opaque horses. You may recall the “clear-horse She-Ra” debacle.

  
  [Noble steed + Slim Goodbody = Deleted scene from The Cell - T]

  Clear Swift Wind sucked balls compared to normal pink Swift Wind, although I
  will admit to buying it because as an 8 year old I was fascinated by New Toy
  Acquisition. But the problem is, I think, that horses by nature are
  SUPPOSED to look sturdy and solid. They don’t look good clear. Partly
  this is because you can see the rooted hair sometimes if they’re clear, but
  I think it’s just a terrible idea on the whole. The picture [at the top of this feature] is one of the most opaque ponies and it still looks stupid and cheap — maybe it’s
  the glitter, or possibly the ugly ass color scheme.

• 2. Their heads are now GIGANTIC compared to their bodies. I think
  they’re going for the currently popular Anime aesthetic. You will
  notice that there are no ponies on anime shows because ponies look stupid with giant, giant heads and eyes.
• 3. Their hoofs aren’t right. I remember my ponies had beautiful smooth
  hoofs and the legs tapered in from them. No more. They are very
  clunky and unwieldy-looking now.

These new ponies are sickly looking and cheap as hell due to their
glaring lack of vinyl. It sickens me. I bet I could tear a hole in their
tacky plastic bodies with my fingernail. They remind me of the old knock-off
ponies from the 80’s. Although sadly now the knock-offs are even
worse.

In addition, the art for the new ponies is so terribly ugly. I
remember my old coloring books having beautiful pony art. Now it is like Lisa
Frank on speed.

- RedReplicant

Cut Off In Development: Games too bad to release

Posted by Tory, July 27, 2004 on 8:00 pm | In Amusements |

I don’t follow games that much anymore, but a while back I had a gamer boyfriend and was neck-deep in them. Here’s a geeky parody of what was hot at the time:

Final Fantasy XXX for PS2 (ESRB rating: MA)
A traditional role-playing game from SquareSoft with the added element of the stripper clips from BMX XXX.
Reason for termination: The effect of rewarding a level-up with a grainy five-second video of a depressed Scores girl was dishearteningly similar to playing D&D in front of scrambled porn.

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The Bush Twins` “Girls Night Out” for GameBoy Advance (ESRB rating: E)
A plotless, pointless series of minigames based on the adventures of America’s second favorite set of filthy rich, unskilled, overvalued and underdressed twin girls.
Reason for termination: Project created national security Code Orange. Every programmer involved personally shot to death by Tom Ridge.

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Dead or Alive Xtreme Bitch Volleyball for XBox (ESRB rating: )
One of the greatest fight game series alive gives up its credibility entirely with this installment, whose story mode pits the scantily-clad ladies of Dead or Alive against each other in a series of sandy wrestling matches.
Reason for termination: Latest bizarre interview with series creator Tomonobu Itagaki was mistaken by Bush administration for evidence that Japan is stockpiling nuclear arms. Every programmer involved personally shot to death by Tom Ridge.

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Kingdom Hearts 2: The Bottom of the Barrel for PS2 (ESRB rating: T)
Having fully depleted Disney’s resource of well-liked animated characters (and Winnie the Pooh) in the first release, this follow-up to Kingdom Hearts draws on Disney’s growing wealth of direct-to-video sequels. Every character in the game is voiced by Haley Joel Osment.
Reason for termination: Game testers unable to complete game; preferred trying to kill party-member Scamp from Lady and the Tramp 2.

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Dance Dance Industrial Revolution for PS2 (ESRB rating: E)
Having sapped the dance music of the 1970s, this version uses the folk songs, bar songs and sea shanties of the 1870s.
Reason for termination: If you thought “Have You Never Been Mellow” was upsetting, wait until you try to up-up-down to “Danny Boy.”

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Thief: The Dork Project for XBox (ESRB rating: T)
Under pressure to produce a sequel to the first Thief for XBox, Looking Glass Studios is forced to put Garrett in the environment they know best — programming games.
Reason for termination: While every gamer seems fit to complain about defects in game programming, apparently no one actually wants to spend fifteen levels struggling with pop-up, AI, sound design and particle animation.