The Tory Party

Black Actors Get Killed

Posted by Tory, July 29, 2004 on 8:00 pm | In Amusements | 5 Comments

SPOILERS AHEAD — I`m making a point here, I gotta break some eggs.

Everybody knows the black guy in the horror (or suspense or action) movie is gonna die. If there’s anything killing anybody in the movie, and there’s anybody around remotely south of taupe, he’s gonna die. If Thandie Newton wandered into a Friday the 13th sequel, forty minutes in she`d be like, “You don’t understand! Back home I`m not even consi-OWWWW!!!” It’s like the last desperate gasp of America’s backwoods one-drop rule stalking our cinema.

Sure is spooky here. S`Good to be beige, am I right?

And sometimes an Event Horizon will sneak through, and sometimes the movie will avoid the issue altogether by assembling a cast of the whitest white that ever whited. But the pattern I’ve seen that’s more insidious than just killing off the black characters is that the lighter an actor’s skin, the longer he lives.

Chronicles of Riddick — Vin Diesel makes it to the end; Keith David doesn’t. So much for him living through Pitch Black.

Deep Blue Sea — LL Cool J makes it to the end; Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t.

Halloween: Resurrection — I could be misremembering this, and this would be the order in which you see the characters are dead (not necessarily when they died) — but you get Sean Patrick Thomas, Busta Rhymes, and then Tyra Banks. It’s like a handy racial Pantone card.

Jurassic Park — What does it say about me that I like this movie despite the sweaty Nazi fantasy it is? The dead are the black guy, the other black guy, the fat guy and the Italian. The six survivors include all four of the blue-eyed and blond characters, who are totally unharmed, while the brown-haired, brown-eyed kid is electrocuted, and swarthy Jeff Goldblum is out of commission (but very sexily out of commission) by the third act! [Okay, actually, I`m forgetting the Australian, but 1) he’s a foreigner and 2) after he gets eaten, nobody seems to care, or ask where he is, or mention him ever, ever again. Mean!]

What is up with this? Isn’t this really, really foul? How many times can you walk into a movie and think, “Man, I haven’t seen Delroy Lindo in- OH NOOOO! Well, at least there’s Charles S. Dutton, I like hi- OH NOOOO!” Just show “Coal Black and De Sebben Dwarfs” before the next Star Wars so we can know what we’re up against. Jesus.

And I shouldn’t even start about how movies`ll pair off an African-looking black man with a European-looking black woman (Head of State, Independence Day, Booty Call, any Matrix). It’s like, “We need a love interest for Wesley Snipes. Send Serena Williams home — where’s Lela Rochon?”

Or that the darker or more African-looking an actor is the more likely he is to be the bad guy in a movie. Will Smith, Vin Diesel, Lawrence Fishburne? Heroic. Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Ernie Hudson? Only if they’re playing retards, or the only black guy in the whole movie, and usually not even then.

Anyways, time for lunch — baloney on white, extra mayo, and a glass of milk.

Bruce Campbell Shoulda Been The Phantom

Posted by Tory, July 28, 2004 on 8:00 pm | In Amusements | 3 Comments

As I was re-reading Bruce Campbell’s autobiography, If Chins Could Kill, I was reminded of the fact that Bruce Campbell was thisclose to being cast as The Phantom. Holy crap. I`m not sure why they decided against him — not only would it have had a built-in cult base to supplement the WWII fogey and little kid Phantom fans, but it would have been a better movie.

Now I know Bruce Campbell is well capable of being straight (The Ice Rink) and earnest (Bubba Ho Tep), but what The Phantom needed desperately, with its Mortal Kombat-level story and special effects (and the Mortal Kombat villain — OMG typecast much Johnny Tsunami?!), was a heaping helping of the Campbell special — gleeful, ingratiating self-awareness. He would have brought out the Buffy in Kristy Swanson and the Velma in Catherine Zeta Jones. He would have been deft with exposition, sly with humor and swash with buckles. And he woulda been smokin` hot.

Hey, you’re not Billy Zane WTF?!
Kristy, I like to be Straight and Earnest with the ladies…

Please understand I`m not Captain Stalker of the Stalkatron 3000 — I’ve tried to diversify my fangirlness with Vincent D`Onofrio and Jeff Goldblum, but the former seems too self-fascinated (Velocity of Gary blecch) and the latter kinda hit the wall. There’s also Jon Stewart, but he’s just too rockin` to be believed. I think on weekends he must give kittens cancer or something.

Anyway, now that I’ve made a reference to Long Kiss Goodnight, you know who else would have made a good Phantom? Samuel L. Jackson. Think about it.

Cut Off In Development: Games too bad to release

Posted by Tory, July 27, 2004 on 8:00 pm | In Amusements | No Comments

I don’t follow games that much anymore, but a while back I had a gamer boyfriend and was neck-deep in them. Here’s a geeky parody of what was hot at the time:

Final Fantasy XXX for PS2 (ESRB rating: MA)
A traditional role-playing game from SquareSoft with the added element of the stripper clips from BMX XXX.
Reason for termination: The effect of rewarding a level-up with a grainy five-second video of a depressed Scores girl was dishearteningly similar to playing D&D in front of scrambled porn.

The Bush Twins` “Girls Night Out” for GameBoy Advance (ESRB rating: E)
A plotless, pointless series of minigames based on the adventures of America’s second favorite set of filthy rich, unskilled, overvalued and underdressed twin girls.
Reason for termination: Project created national security Code Orange. Every programmer involved personally shot to death by Tom Ridge.

Dead or Alive Xtreme Bitch Volleyball for XBox (ESRB rating: )
One of the greatest fight game series alive gives up its credibility entirely with this installment, whose story mode pits the scantily-clad ladies of Dead or Alive against each other in a series of sandy wrestling matches.
Reason for termination: Latest bizarre interview with series creator Tomonobu Itagaki was mistaken by Bush administration for evidence that Japan is stockpiling nuclear arms. Every programmer involved personally shot to death by Tom Ridge.

Kingdom Hearts 2: The Bottom of the Barrel for PS2 (ESRB rating: T)
Having fully depleted Disney’s resource of well-liked animated characters (and Winnie the Pooh) in the first release, this follow-up to Kingdom Hearts draws on Disney’s growing wealth of direct-to-video sequels. Every character in the game is voiced by Haley Joel Osment.
Reason for termination: Game testers unable to complete game; preferred trying to kill party-member Scamp from Lady and the Tramp 2.

Dance Dance Industrial Revolution for PS2 (ESRB rating: E)
Having sapped the dance music of the 1970s, this version uses the folk songs, bar songs and sea shanties of the 1870s.
Reason for termination: If you thought “Have You Never Been Mellow” was upsetting, wait until you try to up-up-down to “Danny Boy.”

Thief: The Dork Project for XBox (ESRB rating: T)
Under pressure to produce a sequel to the first Thief for XBox, Looking Glass Studios is forced to put Garrett in the environment they know best — programming games.
Reason for termination: While every gamer seems fit to complain about defects in game programming, apparently no one actually wants to spend fifteen levels struggling with pop-up, AI, sound design and particle animation.

RedReplicant on the Next Pony Generation

Posted by Tory, July 27, 2004 on 8:00 pm | In Amusements | 5 Comments

[What follows is commentary on the collapse of My Little Pony quality, written by RedReplicant. It’s deadly on target, and I`m especially glad I`m not alone in my studies. - T]

While I am sure you got plenty of responses on this delicate issue, it
upsets me so much that I thought I might as well put my two cents in.
Your theory about flutterponies may be right. The skinnied-down ponies were nowhere near as beautiful as the regular chunky ponies. However, they aren’t nearly as bad as the current ponies! The new ponies are the most terrible toy ever popular, possibly worse than Furbies. They absolutely ruined several of the great aspects of old ponies.

[Tee hee — check out my ghetto-fabulous ankle tattoo! Wanna buy me a Zima? - T]

1. They lack opacity. Clear-ish horses have never been as good as
opaque horses. You may recall the “clear-horse She-Ra” debacle.

[Noble steed + Slim Goodbody = Deleted scene from The Cell - T]

Clear Swift Wind sucked balls compared to normal pink Swift Wind, although I
will admit to buying it because as an 8 year old I was fascinated by New Toy
Acquisition. But the problem is, I think, that horses by nature are
SUPPOSED to look sturdy and solid. They don’t look good clear. Partly
this is because you can see the rooted hair sometimes if they’re clear, but
I think it’s just a terrible idea on the whole. The picture [at the top of this feature] is one of the most opaque ponies and it still looks stupid and cheap — maybe it’s
the glitter, or possibly the ugly ass color scheme.
2. Their heads are now GIGANTIC compared to their bodies. I think
they’re going for the currently popular Anime aesthetic. You will
notice that there are no ponies on anime shows because ponies look stupid with giant, giant heads and eyes.
3. Their hoofs aren’t right. I remember my ponies had beautiful smooth
hoofs and the legs tapered in from them. No more. They are very
clunky and unwieldy-looking now.

These new ponies are sickly looking and cheap as hell due to their
glaring lack of vinyl. It sickens me. I bet I could tear a hole in their
tacky plastic bodies with my fingernail. They remind me of the old knock-off
ponies from the 80’s. Although sadly now the knock-offs are even
worse.

In addition, the art for the new ponies is so terribly ugly. I
remember my old coloring books having beautiful pony art. Now it is like Lisa
Frank on speed.

- RedReplicant