The Tory Party

Stalker poetry

The following poem was written by a young woman who dated its subject for two weeks, and at the time of its writing was no longer dating him. Mmm. Stalker-delicious.

A sketch of how things could be . . .
Small house on the side of a mountain,
Sweet tea and a haphazard garden.
Work out of the house, paint the walls together.
Sit under the front porch fan, sleep late on Saturday morning.
Call me sweet pea and we`ll read Romans together with your arms around my waist.
A few friends over, sing praise songs on Tuesday after dinner.

Stone wall on Raleigh Street,
Coke from the machine and mud from the construction.
Talk through troubles typing, forget each other’s birthdays.

Sit on the tennis courts, don’t look me in the eye.
No phone calls and we`ll read web pages until we die from suffocation.

Send friends to communicate for us, share only a stage in the meantime.

Either way, you drive me crazy.

Rat Race

Did you know he could make this face?
I didn’t know he could make this face.

Stuff I liked about “Rat Race”

- Amy Smart going insane.
- No towel-wrestling with the dog over the heart.
- Seth Green doesn’t drop the keys in the lake once he gets them back.
- Illegal #2 only implied.
- The Lucys are mostly female.
- I didn’t know Gloria Allred is a real lawyer. It’s funnier if you don’t.
- Low-key betting millionaires gags.
- At the beginning, only one person reads aloud the message on the prize token.
- Mr. Bean falls asleep on his feet, rather than falling over.
- Payoff of the dark lipstick on the steering wheel. Wait for it…
- Expected it to be really, really bad.

The many faces of Christopher Guest

These are all the same person: Christopher Guest. I`m trying desperately to find an image of him in “A Few Good Men.”
If your mind is not blown by this, you are a stronger man than I.

Cast of Friends

Some completely unnecessary information about the cast of “Friends” In propagating the theory that you can’t be old as long as you’re younger than the cast of “Friends,” I uncovered some bizarre and unsettling trivia about the show and its participants:
		Born 1966; 6`2″ Born in Queens. Played a role on “Wonder Years” from 1991-1992.			Born 1967; 5`11″ Appeared in a prehistoric Alanis Morrissette video. Is a skilled carpenter.
		Born 1969; 6`1″ Is missing part of the middle finger of his right hand. Was raised in Ottawa, Canada. Son of John Bennett Perry–the Old Spice sailor.			Born 1964; 5`5″ Played Julie Winston in 1987’s Masters of the Universe. Dated Michael Keaton for six years.
		Born 1969; 5`7″ Refused to try out for “Monica”–instead picked “Rachel,” for whom Cox originally auditioned.			Born 1963; 5`9″ Actor cast for Frasier’s “Roz”–as the character’s concept changed, both Kudrow and the producers preferred another actor be cast. Graduated from Vassar in 1985.

In addition, the “Friends” concept was originally piloted to ABC as “Couples,” to star Weekend at Bernie’s Jonathan Silverman and Supergirl’s Helen Slater. They passed, the show got revamped, and NBC bought it.

Better words for bad

I have long been aware of the use of the word “gay” to mean “no good,” which has resulted in the occasional confusion about why some web pages described as “gay” feature neither triangles, rainbows nor porn. When I hear “gay” in use outside of describing people, days, parades, hot-spots or clubs, rather than interpreting lameness I envision thirteen-year-old boys heavy-handedly attempting to conceal their sexual insecurities and fear of victimization.

I recently heard the word “Jewish” used in the same manner, and I must act.

For this and pure clarity’s sake, I submit the following preferred terms for things that are bad:

foul fey abortive repugnant wretched Ru rotten unnecessary apalling vile grotty putrid crampy boorish of or like The Cell greasy disemboweled scalia rancid lossy small tweaked lacking in funk overcooked woeful ill-begotten raunchy bork